10 WAYS TO EFFECTIVELY REPARENT YOURSELF AFTER INCEST ABUSE

Before Wanda Yvette could reparent herself as an adult survivor of childhood incest, she had to understand that “inner child” is a psychological term which describes the part of one’s adult personality that remains from the childhood self. Yvette, who worked in human services for twenty years, learned that all adults have an inner child who emerged from their early experiences and relationships. The child remains with us throughout our lives. 1

Everyone’s inner child has a unique personality, needs, and challenges. The age of our inner child is usually the age at which we experienced significant hardship or trauma. My inner child is approximately eight, the age at which I was molested by both an adult neighbor and my 12-year-old brother. She is highly anxious and extremely angry.

Some incest survivors are fearful, timid, and people-pleasing while others are hypervigilant or even thrill-seeking. Everyone has unfinished business from childhood and a longing for love and safety. Yvette suggests that we ignore our inner child at our own peril, perhaps being inclined to handle current challenges as our childhood selves would rather than from an adult perspective with healthy coping skills and self-compassion.

Yvette chose a stuffed puppy to represent her 5-year-old self and a stuffed lion to represent her teen inner child (ages when she suffered incest abuse). She validates their different emotions, offers them comforting hugs, writes letters to them, reminds them that they were innocent and are presently safe and valued. She says it is “vital for incest survivors to acknowledge, sit with, and validate those damaging experiences” to recover from them.

Reparenting yourself after experiencing incest is a crucial element of healing. This journey involves understanding trauma, nurturing your inner child, and fostering resilience. Here’s a comprehensive guide with actionable steps and relevant references for further consideration.

1. Understand the impact of Incest Abuse
   Incest abuse can lead to long-term psychological disorders, including PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Understanding the symptoms and how to cope with this fallout is essential for recovery. 2 Consider reading, “The Effects of Childhood Incest on Adult Life.”

2. Acknowledge Your Feelings
   Recognizing and validating your emotions is the first step in reparenting. Allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, or confusion without judgment. 3 Let yourself feel whatever arises, cry, or yell at your perpetrator or parents who didn’t believe you or notice that you were being abused. You may feel sorry that your parents didn’t give you personal safety information or protect you from those who exploited you.

3. Create a Safe Space
   Establish a physical and emotional safe space. This may involve decluttering your environment or developing a comforting routine. 4 Look in the mirror with acceptance. Give yourself affirmations such as, “I am good enough. I matter. What I want and need matter. I deserve to be safe, heard, and loved.

4. Engage in Inner Child Work
   Reconnect with your inner child through exploring your memories in a journal or writing letters to your younger self (maybe in your non-dominant hand). Write from the honest perspective of your childhood, expressing unprocessed feelings, fears, and desires. Describe scenes, colors, and smells to vividly recall your experiences. Draw or paint a picture of what your inner child looks like. Color, watch cartoons, or read a few comic strips to catch up on joy you may have been cheated out of. Use creative movement to access or process emotions from your past. Run barefoot in the grass, play kickball with family or friends, swing. 5

5. Develop a Self-Compassion Practice
   Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend. Encourage yourself with positive self-talk. Challenge the blistering thoughts of your inner critic. These steps can reduce anxiety, stress, and depression. 6

6. Seek Professional Help
   Consider counseling with a therapist experienced in trauma and abuse recovery. Therapies such as EMDR or somatic experiencing can be especially beneficial. 7

7. Establish Healthy Boundaries
   Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships. This empowers you and fosters a sense of safety. 8 Consider reading, “How Incest Survivors Can Find Healthy Relationship Boundaries.”

8. Develop Coping Strategies
   Identify and implement coping strategies that help manage stress and anxiety. Mindfulness (being fully engaged in one task at a time, such as attending to the texture and taste of your food when eating, being aware of your surroundings while walking and listening to sounds around you, focusing on the warmth between bodies during a hug), meditation, and breathing exercises can be effective tools to ground you in the present. They keep you in the here and now, where you are an adult with a voice, where you are safe. 9

9. Connect with Supportive Communities
   Engage with support groups or communities of survivors. Sharing experiences can provide validation, empathic understanding, and encouragement. It reduces the severity of PTSD symptoms, enhances coping mechanisms, promotes overall psychological well-being, and provides a sense of safety and belonging. 10 I participated in a saprea retreat for survivors in Atlanta, a four-day professionally led intensive with other child sexual assault survivors in 2022. It was extremely informative and healing and our group of nine women email and text regularly. The retreats now occur only in Utah, and besides transportation, there is no cost to participants.

10. Embrace Patience and Hope
    Healing is a gradual process. Be patient with yourself and maintain hope for recovery and renewal. 11 Every incest survivor deserves serenity and an excellent quality of life.

Reparenting yourself after incest abuse is a profound journey of healing. By understanding your experiences, practicing self-compassion, and seeking support, you can cultivate resilience and foster a nurturing environment for your inner child. Consider reading, “A Dozen Ways Incest Survivors Can Increase Their Resilience.” Remember, healing takes time but is possible. Whenever I kick a walnut down the block, swing, or whistle, I invite my inner child out to play where she is safe and celebrated!

What will you do differently this week to acknowledge, comfort, or bolster your inner child?

1 Yvette, W. (2021). How to reparent the child within: healing the inner child after incest abuse. Incest AWARE, 02/24/2021.

2 Courtois, Christine & Ford, Jilian. Treating Complex Traumatic Stress Disorders in Adults: Scientific Foundations and Therapeutic Models. New York: Guildford Press. 2020.

3 van der Kolk, Bessell. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Viking. 2014.

4 Herman, Judith. Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. New York: Basic Books. 2022.

5 Pedersen, T. & Smith, J. (2022). 10 exercises to heal your inner child. Psych Central, 11/16/2022.

6 Neff, Kristin. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. New York: William Morrow. 2011.

7 Shapiro, Francine. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures. New York: Guilford Press. 2017.

8 Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan. 2018.

9 Kabat-Zinn, John. Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfullness Meditation in Everyday Life. New York: Hyperion.

10 Ruzek, J. I., & Eftekhari, A. (2011). The impact of social support on recovery from trauma. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 12(2), 82-88.

11 Brown, Brene. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York: Gotham Books. 2012.