Navigating Silence: Coping with Family Denial of Incest Abuse

Relationships with family members who deny your experiences of incest can be incredibly challenging and painful. Some may minimize the abuse to distance themselves from the situation while others cast blame, suggesting the victim did something to cause the abuse. Some relatives shut the survivor out, refusing to listen, and others remain neutral, unable to look past their affection for the abuser. There are relatives who push for forgiveness, thinking this will repair family dynamics. Still, other family members may omit you from events rather than leaving out your abuser. 1 All of these behaviors further stigmatize and isolate you, compounding the fall-out of incest.

Here are six strategies to help you cope, backed by expert insights and resources.

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
   Recognizing and validating your emotions is essential. It’s normal to feel hurt, angry, or alone when loved ones dismiss your trauma. Journaling can help you process these feelings. Mental health professionals also emphasize the importance of self-compassion in these situations. Dr. Brene Brown contends that acknowledging your pain is the first step toward healing and resilience. 2

2. Build Support Outside the Family
   Surrounding yourself with supportive friends, a support group for survivors of incest or sexual assault, or an online community can provide validation and alleviate feelings of isolation. Connecting with others who share your experience allows safe space and provides encouragement on your healing journey. Organizations like RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network), HAVOCA (Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse), and SAPREA offer outstanding resources and community support. 3

3. Educate and Communicate
   Denial sometimes stems from a lack of understanding. You have likely read extensively on incest and sexual assault, but have you considered providing skeptical family members with resources about the effects of incest abuse on survivors? (link to The Effects of Incest on Adult Life blog) Books, articles, and documentaries can help them understand your experiences and the long-term effects of your trauma. 4 One study emphasizes that effective communication can sometimes bridge the gap in understanding but cautions that some individuals may not be open to this dialogue. 5

4. Set Boundaries
   It is imperative to establish clear boundaries with family members who deny your incest experiences. You may have to communicate your needs clearly, limit contact with them, or avoid certain topics of conversation. According to Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, such limits are crucial for maintaining your mental health and can protect your emotional space. 6

5. Practice Self-Care
   Engaging in self-care and personal growth activities can improve your overall well-being. This may include mindfulness and/or spiritual practices, writing, physical exercise, or creative outlets. Focusing on your healing journey can help you regain a sense of control and empowerment. 7

6. Seek Professional Help
   Connecting with a trauma-informed therapist can provide essential support during your recovery from incest. Therapists can explore coping strategies with you and offer a safe environment for processing feelings of anger, sadness, and confusion. 8 Coping with family members who deny your incest abuse can be a complex and difficult process. Remember that your experiences are valid, you are not to blame, and seeking support is a sign of strength. You are not alone and there are resources to assist you on your journey. By implementing these strategies, you can work toward healing and reclaiming your narrative.

If you have grappled with family members denying your incest abuse, what strategies proved most effective for you? Please comment for the benefit of fellow survivors.

1. Gillette, H (2022). Can family members revictimize sexual abuse survivors? PsychCentral, 03/08/22.

2. Brown, Brene. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York: Gotham Books, 2012.

3. RAINN. (2023). “Support for Survivors.” Retrieved from RAINN website.

4. Courtois, Christine. Healing the Incest Wound: Adult Survivors in Therapy. New York: W. W. Norton & Co, 2010.

5. Haskins, et al (2021). Family dynamics and communication in the context of abuse. Family Relations, 70(3), 511-526.

6. Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Nashville: Zondervan, 2018.

7. Van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Viking, 2014.

8. Herman, Judith. Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. New York: Basic Books, 2022.