7 Factors to Consider for Safely Confronting Your Family about Incest Abuse
Webster defines incest as sexual intercourse between two people too closely related to marry legally. Helping professionals view incest more broadly, however, including exposing one’s genitals, caressing breasts, buttocks, or genitals, oral sex, and digital penetration. In their article on sibling maltreatment, Kiselica and Morrill-Richards stated that “sexual sibling abuse is defined as sexual behavior that is not age-appropriate, not transitory, and not motivated by developmentally appropriate curiosity. To identify sexual abuse, there needs to be coercion and domination over one sibling.”1
Home is considered a place of safety, the site of one’s primary support system, a shelter from violence, prejudice, and societal ills. When a family member is molested by one of their own, confusion, fear, and shame often cloud their judgment. Some incest victims do not disclose their abuse due to mixed feelings about the perpetrator, threats of retaliation, feelings of culpability, or stigma.2 “Aside from shame felt by victims is pressure to keep the secret for fear of disrupting the family (as if others’ well-being is more important than their own) or experiencing blame or anger from family members.”3 One research participant explained how speaking about her incest was like defining her past in a devastating and unchangeable way. But harboring the secret can result in mental and/or eating disorders, low self-esteem, addiction, self-injury, or promiscuity. (For a comprehensive list of adverse effects of incest, please see “The Effects of Childhood Incest on Adult Life.”)
Approaching the Conversation
I confronted my brother about his incestuous abuse of me 22 years after it ceased. Although he was also physically abusive to me at times, there were positive aspects of our relationship. I was proud of his academic and athletic prowess. But, like most survivors, in adulthood, I distanced myself from my perpetrator. I had completed an incest survivor’s group and believed an honest discussion could be another element of my healing journey. I also hoped our relationship might improve. Other benefits survivors may realize when talking with their abusers or family members include an increase in personal power, assertiveness, and self-esteem, and decreases in guilt, depression, helplessness, and fear.4
If you’re considering talking with family members about your incest experience, you’re likely thinking about family dynamics. Just as there were risk factors that may have contributed to your abuse (such as a large family, alcoholism, patriarchy, parental abuse of children, or differential treatment of children),5 there are risk factors in disclosing incest. If your family of origin didn’t openly discuss conflict or painful topics, they’re not going to welcome this subject. Incest is sometimes associated with disgrace, humiliation, scandal, and loss of reputation. These concerns have undoubtedly kept you silent except with those in your innermost circle.
You may worry that your siblings, parents, or your own children will be shocked or won’t believe you. That they will blame you or beg you to keep silent to prevent discomfort among family members. But you could be surprised by a loving, supportive response, by someone saying you’re courageous for speaking out on an issue that has been shrouded in secrecy for too long. The most important benefit of disclosing incest is the resulting reduction in “debilitating shame that whittles away at your self-esteem, that makes you feel damaged or that you don’t deserve good things or to be happy.”6
Preparing Yourself
Have you carefully contemplated disclosing your abuse to your family? Have you discussed it with your significant other, therapist, spiritual mentor, or a trusted friend? Are you participating in a survivor’s group or a 12-Step program that can “armor” you up, support you through the process? Survivor Danielle Bostick wrote, “disclosing incest to family can dredge up intense emotional pain, shatter the identity a victim has worked hard to construct, threaten one’s sense of normalcy, and disrupt interpersonal relationships.”7
Help for Victims of Child Abuse (HAVOCA) suggests that you be prepared for the abuser to deny your accusation, that you write down what you want to disclose and practice saying it out loud. They recommend asking family members to listen respectfully until you’re finished speaking and telling them you’ll do the same.
Planning Your Physical and Emotional Safety During/After the Conversation
To whom in your family do you want to disclose your incest abuse? Can you trust them to be objective and fair? Will those people be supportive of you or defensive of the perpetrator? Do you anticipate criticism or judgment? Do you fear disclosure will change your relationships or their perception of you? 6
HAVOCA suggests that you meet where you’ll feel comfortable having this private conversation. Arrange a time convenient for all, so you won’t be interrupted. Take someone with you to provide support or even act as a mediator (could sit nearby to ensure your comfort and safety). Try to remain in control of the conversation. Share only as much as you feel comfortable with. Leave if it is not going well. And if any family member denies or minimizes the abuse, calmly explain the abuse in more detail. Tell how it made you feel then, and how it makes you feel now. If a face-to-face confrontation feels threatening or impossible for you, you can write and mail letters instead.
Choosing Effective Communication Strategies
Initiate the conversation by saying you’re going to talk about something that will be difficult to hear, but that you trust each person will be respectful of others. As much as possible, use “I messages,” which describe the behavior, tell the effect it had on you, and state what you want at this time. For example, “When I was seven, you locked me in the bathroom and put your finger and face between my bare legs. It made me feel scared and dirty. I want you to admit your wrongdoing, apologize, and get help if you’re still abusing people sexually.”
Use active listening, paying attention to what others say and rephrasing it to make sure you understand. Encourage family members to hear you out and empathize with your perspective. Listen intently to understand others and not merely wait to make your next point.
Handling Reactions
Anticipate varied responses from family members. Perpetrators may try to shift the blame to you or become angry. The abuser’s partner may turn on you to protect the abuser or avoid the truth about the past. Parents may express disbelief, denying incest occurred in their home. Some may worry about the family’s reputation or that the disclosure may cause dramatic changes in the abuser’s social network. Someone might say you’re crazy. Others may have suspected something inappropriate happened in the family and respond with belief, compassion, and acknowledgment of your needs.8
As your family reacts to this information, you will experience strong emotions. It may be helpful to take deep breaths, press your feet firmly onto the floor to ground yourself in the present, and count to five before responding to their comments. Stay hydrated. If voices are raised, speak softly, which will force them to lower their voices to hear you. Notice the relief you feel after breaking the code of silence.
Journaling, talking with other survivors, spiritual practices, exercising, soaking baths, and making time for fun will be important in coping with your disclosure. Self-care is crucial after releasing a burden you may have carried for decades.
Beverly Engle, an author and incest survivor who has counseled assault survivors for 35 years says, “You deserve to be listened to, believed, supported.” She recommends seeking the support of compassionate people who can appreciate the trauma you’ve lived through. And you must be compassionate with yourself, realizing you’ve done the best with the skills you possessed.
Seeking Support and Resources
Most incest survivors respond well to trauma-informed therapy. Recovery is a multi-faceted process that differs for every person. The following organizations provide life-changing materials and services:
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE, online.rainn.org) in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country.
Incest Survivors Anonymous is a spiritual, self-help program of women and men, 18 years or older, who are guided by a set of 12 Suggested Steps and 12 Traditions, along with slogans and the Serenity Prayer. The program offers peer support. All literature is written by fellow survivors who share their experience, strength, and hope from working the 12-step program of healing.
Saprea (sexual abuse healing and prevention resources) has online reading material, videos, and sponsors 4-day professionally staffed, in-person retreats (without cost) for survivors.
Leereinecke.com lists further resources and blogs such as “What Happened When I Told the Truth About Sexual Assault,” and “A Dozen Ways Incest Survivors Can Increase Their Resiliency.”
Thriving
Talking with family members about incest requires courage and grit. Engle says, “Every time one more victim finds his or her voice, that person brings more light into the world. And every time a victim brings abuse into the light, he or she helps prevent more abuse from happening.”
Although I’ve shared my incest experience with my sister, my brother’s wife, my spouse, children, and select friends, I haven’t told my mother. She favored her first-born, only son, is in poor health, and is nearly 92. My brother committed suicide seven years ago and I can’t bear to place the weight of incest on her frail shoulders. A saprea retreat and Al-Anon step work have nearly eliminated my rage and resentments. I’ve learned healthy communication and realize it’s safe to be myself.
You are not alone on this recovery journey. I encourage you to contemplate whether and when to discuss your abuse with your family and pray that you, too, can turn the corner from surviving to thriving. (Please consider making a comment about what resonated with you in this article, and reading “Surviving or Thriving” at leereinecke.com)
1 Kiselica, M. S., Morrill-Richards, M. (2007). Sibling maltreatment: the forgotten abuse. Journal of Counseling and Development. 85 (2) 148-160.
2 Halvorsen, J. E., Solberg, E. T., Stige, S. H. (2020). To say it out loud is to kill your childhood. Children & Youth Services Review, 13.
3 Babbel, S. (2013). Trauma: Incest. Psychology Today, February 7.
4 Freshwater, K., Ainscough, C., Toon, K. (2002). Confronting abusers: the opinions of clinicians and survivors. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse. 11 (4), 35-52.
5 Cyr, M., Wright, J., McDuff, P., Perron, A. (2002). Intrafamilial sexual abuse: brother-sister incest does not differ from father-daughter and stepfather-stepdaughter incest. Child Abuse & Neglect. 26 (9) 957-973.
6 Engle, B. (2019) Helping adult survivors of child sexual abuse to disclose (#4 of 4-part series). Psychology Today. 10/31/2019.
7 Bostick, D. (2014). After 30 years a woman confronts her abuser—and herself. The Washington Post.
8 Tener, D. (2021). I love and hate him in the same breath: relationships of adult survivors of sexual abuse with their perpetrating siblings. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 36 (13-14).
