A Dozen Ways Incest Survivors Can Increase Their Resilience
If you were the victim of incest, especially as a child or teen, you were not safe in the environment which was supposed to nurture and protect you. Instead of the haven of security your home should’ve been, you were likely cornered by a sibling, parent, uncle, or grandparent. Your abuser probably enticed you with special attention and bought your silence with sweets, gifts, or special privileges. And rather than talking with a trusted adult about the confusing and possibly painful torment that was taking place in your household, you harbored a secret for years, decades, maybe still today.
I was molested by a brother who was four years older, from the time I was seven until age nine. As in most cases of child sexual assault, he began with tickling or wrestling with a concentration between my legs. He used candy and soda as initial incentives, but as he progressed to oral sex, upped the ante. By the time he sodomized me, my reward was driving our dad’s Studebaker down the dirt lane that bordered our property. So, while I was in Erik Erikson’s developmental stage of Industry versus Inferiority, I went overboard on academic and musical achievement to compensate for feeling damaged and “less than” my peers.
Like many incest victims, fear and anxiety dominated my emotional landscape. I developed a rigid “black and white” perspective about people, behavior, religion, and relationships. I kept things in neat categories and to this day, cannot let different foods on my plate touch. I am a recovering perfectionist; hence my expectations are often too high, leading to disappointment. When faced with stress or adversity, I become frustrated or angry, wanting to blame something or someone.
The literature on child sexual abuse and incest indicate that female survivors suffer more mental health disorders, gynecological problems, substance abuse, sleep disorders, migraines, eating disorders, revictimization, anger problems, and parenting problems than the general population. Every one of us will experience difficulty, emotional pain, sadness, and distress as we navigate life. But how can we equip ourselves to manage these as well as possible, to “bounce back” with grace? To recover our strength and good humor?
Psychologists define resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress—such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviors, thoughts and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone. Like building a muscle, increasing your resilience takes time and intentionality. 1
Laura Davis, co-author with Ellen Bass of The Courage to Heal, was sexually abused as a child by her maternal grandfather. Although she repressed it until she was twenty-seven, when she disclosed the abuse, her mother sided with her own father rather than supporting her daughter. Furthermore, Laura came out as a lesbian, to which her mother replied, “You’ve just confirmed my worst fear about you!”
When The Courage to Heal was published four years later, all Laura’s maternal relatives pulled away. The book tour put Davis in the position of national spokesperson for survivors, but in private, she often fell apart. Over a seven-year period of not speaking (before internet and email), she and her mother sent letters across the country, many bitter, some tender. The negative aspects of their relationship seemed “set in stone,” while positive ones were nearly forgotten. “It was like we couldn’t quit each other.” 2
Davis continued to travel, do interviews, and write. During more than three decades of listening to others’ traumatic experiences, she acquired coping skills which prevented her from becoming depleted. She learned that to be resilient, one needs support, especially group support which she found essential in every challenging situation.
Toward the end of her life, Laura’s mother moved across the country and Laura became her caregiver. She had always longed for validation while her mother wanted Laura to recant her accusation about her grandfather. They often agreed to disagree. Fortunately, as Laura’s mother sank into dementia, she turned “sweet.” She offered some of the most affirming words she’d ever spoken to Laura: “You’re the best daughter anyone could ever have. . . You and Karen are the best parents in the world. Who says lesbians shouldn’t have children?” They were reconciled and her mother passed peacefully.
When Laura was struggling with the physical and emotional fatigue inherent in her advocacy for assault survivors, she learned to take care of herself. While she had compassion for others, demonstrating concern for their suffering and providing help, she recognized that she, herself, was having trouble as well. According to Steven Hickman, PsyD, founding director of the UC San Diego Center for Mindfulness at the School of Medicine, self-compassion is noticing your own problems and being kind to yourself. Hickman explained that self-compassion is important for health and well-being because it builds resilience which allows us to weather difficulty without sending us into a spiral of self-criticism, self-blame, or shame. 3 Since incest survivors often battle these attitudes that result in low self-esteem, we would do well to extend such care to ourselves. Amit Sood, MD, one of the top resilience and well-being experts in the US (Mayo Clinic), claims that “resilient people experience more uplifting emotions, are physically healthier, and have better relationships.”
As we meet life’s challenges, survivors can be mindful of the traits of emotional resilience:
Emotional awareness—the ability to perceive, control, and evaluate our own and others’ emotions
Perseverance—action oriented, consistent striving toward goals
Internal locus of control—belief that we, rather than outside forces, are in control of our lives
Optimism—seeing the positive in situations, believing in our own strengths
Sense of humor—an ability to laugh at life’s difficulties
Perspective—can learn from mistakes, see obstacles as challenges, allow adversity to make us stronger, find meaning in challenges rather than seeing ourselves as victims
Spirituality—engaging in spiritual practices 4
Strategies to boost resilience (from The Anxiety and Depression Association of America and Amit Sood, MD) 5
Take care of your body with good nutrition, sleep, hydration, and exercise (which releases feel-good chemicals in the brain that enhance one’s sense of well-being).
Develop composure; recognize what threw you off balance and take a minute to think about how to respond. Choose a path that represents your values and protects your interests.
Try to become more patient, especially when listening to others. Give the person your full attention, let them complete their thoughts, let go of judgment, listen for understanding, not merely to plan what you will say.
Increase your optimism; get better at seeing bright spots in tough times. Recall happy moments, the people who support you, and your own strengths and purpose.
Practice gratitude, which strengthens relationships and well-being. Be thankful for something as small as a glass of water and as big as a healthy child.
Work on acceptance of what is within your control and what isn’t. Try to embrace uncertainty by being open and accepting of what comes your way.
Be kind; it makes you feel good about yourself, making coping, problem-solving, and healing more likely.
Recognize your sense of purpose; it helps you focus your energy, keeps you engaged, makes it easier to be hopeful, and fills you with courage. Think about what gives your life meaning and write it down. You’ll know you’ve landed on it if it makes you smile and feel inspired.
Forgive. Your loved ones, friends, and coworkers will disappoint and misunderstand you. You can let that hurt fester or seek healing. Let go of the grudge and focus on things that bring joy and meaning to your life.
Seek connection; cultivate strong relationships with at least a few people who will help you nurture hope and courage. Involvement in civic groups or a faith community can boost physical health and even your longevity.
Give no one the power to lower your self-worth. Believe in those who believe in you. Look at yourself with the eyes of the people who accept and love you unconditionally.
At least once per week spend quality time with someone who inspires you.
1 Palmiter, David, et all (2012). Building Your Resilience, American Psychological Association document.
2 Davis, Laura (2021). Facebook interview discussing resilience and The Burning Light of Two Stars.
3 Cited by Haupt, Angela (2021). Seven Tips for Showing Yourself Some Compassion, Everyday Health Newsletter.
4 Scott, Elizabeth (2020). Why Emotional Resilience is a Trait You Can Develop. verywellmind article.
5 Sood, Amit (2020). Twenty Tips for Building and Cultivating Your Resilience, Everyday Health Newsletter.
