INSIDER’S GUIDEBOOK TO HEALING FROM CHILDHOOD INCEST

A willingness to read about incest likely means your life has been marred by this shame-inducing phenomenon. Perhaps you were the victim of a relative—someone who should have loved you and prioritized your well-being—who groomed and abused you. Maybe your experience was like the statistical average: four years in duration. Perhaps your assault timeframe was shorter or even a single incident. It’s also possible that someone you love was molested by a family member. Whatever the particulars, you are searching for information, healing, and hope. And you’ll find those here.

I was molested by my brother who was four years older from approximately ages six through nine. It was the typical MO: intrusive tickling, bribes, a locked bathroom door, and increasing sexual touching which culminated in sodomy. I was sworn to secrecy. Told that nobody would believe me.

Over the six decades since my abuse, I have given myself numerous opportunities to unravel the trauma, and many paths toward wholeness and serenity. Following fifteen years of denial, I began counseling which initially left me feeling like a piece of fabric that had been through the heavy soil cycle. Four different therapists ushered me out of the foxholes of revictimization and ineffective coping skills. Private sessions allowed me to release an ounce of bitterness here, and a pound of shame there.

I participated in an incest survivors support group for three months, an adult children of alcoholics group for two years, and have been attending Al-Anon meetings for nearly fourteen years. In 2022 I had the luxury of attending the saprea retreat for female survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Each of these group interventions had a profoundly positive impact on my recovery. I came to understand that I was not alone. Nobody in those settings said, “It happened. Get over it.” I can honestly say that I’ve unchained myself from my abusers. Sexual assault no longer defines me. (Consider visiting this link to “A Dozen Ways Incest Survivors Can Increase Their Resilience.”)

Formerly sponsored by the Unique Foundation, the saprea retreat focuses on reclaiming hope and empowering women’s lives through five strategies. The first is awareness, being physically and emotionally present in the moment. The second is acknowledgment, recognizing the reality and impact of past trauma. Power through surrender, coexisting in a positive way with intrusive trauma responses is next, followed by mindfulness, focusing on empowering thoughts and choosing healing actions. The final strategy is faith, acting on the belief that healing is possible. Retreat facilitators encourage self-compassion, extending warmth and kindness to oneself. It is a practice of goodwill aimed at healing, a source of strength and resiliency that promotes self-sufficiency.

In The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, psychiatrist Bessel Van Der Kolk wrote about “agency,” the term for the feeling of being in charge of your life: knowing where you stand, that you have a say in what happens to you, that you have some ability to shape your circumstances. He said knowing what we feel and why allows us to manage the changes in our inner and outer environments. Many of Van Der Kolk’s patients, after surviving trauma through courage and persistence, experienced similar challenges later because “trauma has shut down their inner compass and robbed them of the imagination they need to create something better.”1

Many incest survivors, myself included, have been sexually exploited by several perpetrators. We may have been susceptible to their flattery or manipulation. Those strategies felt familiar to me. My gut feelings sent warning signals which I ignored. Some incest survivors talk about feeling damaged or undeserving of respect or fidelity, and about remaining in relationships with people who mistreat them. (Learn more here: “Identifying and Understanding Revictimization Patterns.”)

Dr. Van Der Kolk said our gut feelings let us know what is safe or threatening; if we trust them, we will feel in charge of our bodies, of ourselves. He advocates physical activity such as martial arts, yoga, and Pilates as further methods of creating a sense of personal safety and mastery. One of his clients said Pilates allowed her to relegate disturbing memories to the distant past, which allowed the present and future to emerge.

I used to be plagued by a nightmare of being chased late at night; I couldn’t run or scream. After learning basic self-defense strategies at a child assault prevention training, I never had that dream again. I had been empowered with skills to remain safe. My current kickboxing class maintains that strength and confidence.

Incest, dubbed “the ugliest word” by survivor/author Annie Margis, is associated with secrecy, betrayal, powerlessness, guilt, self-blame, and shame. Trauma experts believe the following core concepts must be addressed in treatment:

1. Develop internal and environmental safety procedures

2. Enhance the capacity to rebalance arousal (rather than fight, flight, or freeze)

3. Develop the ability to process information in the present, grounding oneself in the current environment

4. Work through trauma memories and symptoms, mourn losses, develop coping skills, foster present-oriented thinking and behavior

5. Create interpersonal relationship skills like assertiveness, cooperation, boundary setting, reciprocity, empathy, capacity for physical and emotional intimacy (More info at “How Incest Survivors Can Find Healthy Relationship Boundaries.”)

6. Work on enhancement of self-worth through cultivating creativity, achieving goals, community-building, and capacity to experience pleasure2

Some trauma-informed therapists also recommend that once survivors achieve a level of comfort in their recovery, they become involved in child assault prevention or support to others who have been sexually abused. Over the past thirty-five years, I have found these endeavors meaningful and rewarding.

While recovering from the incest wound is an “inside job,” it seldom, if ever occurs without intervention and support from outside resources. Therapists, organizations such as saprea, mutual care or coping groups (such as Survivors of Incest Anonymous), and spiritual practices are often vital elements in recovery from sexual assault by a relative.

Incest survivors are not to blame for our abuse. Assistance is readily available. Each of us deserves safety, physical and emotional health, and satisfying relationships. We can become formidable support systems to one another. I pray that every survivor will open their arms and embrace all the positive experiences coming their way.

1 B Vand Der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. (New York: Penquin, 2014).

2 Lawson, D. M. (2018). Understanding and treating survivors of incest. Counseling Today.