Why Parents Are The Cornerstone Of Child Assault Prevention
With few exceptions, parents are more devoted to their children’s health and well-being than anybody. They want their kids to have the best shot at educational, social, spiritual, athletic, and fine arts opportunities. Parents wish to shepherd their children toward wholeness, happiness, and success, and would do anything in their power to protect them from harm.
WHERE TO BEGIN
One in four girls and one in seven boys in the United States, however, will be sexually exploited prior to their eighteenth birthday. Over ninety percent of the perpetrators are well-known to and trusted by their child victims. While bathing preschoolers, parents can explain that it’s ok in some situations for people to help keep their private places clean (those covered by underwear or swimsuits), like a doctor or nurse who may check those places while a parent is in the room with them; but, overall, leaving them with a sense of control and responsibility over their own body. The initial seed to plant is that no one else should touch their private places. There are picture books with single sentences that are perfect for two-year-olds and a continuum of materials at libraries, bookstores, and online to empower children through adolescents in differentiating between safe and unsafe touch. You can find a list of childhood assault prevention literature here.
My oldest son was two when I began my sojourn into child assault prevention. I told him that he got to decide who, how, and when others touched him. That if someone wanted to play a game he didn’t want to play or wanted to hug or kiss him, that he was allowed to tell them ‘no thank you’—to refuse the contact. Sometime after, a neighbor man came to pick up his children from a playdate when my son was six and wanted to show him how to do a hand-held somersault. He took a hold of my son’s hands and encouraged him to pull his feet up and through. My son quickly let go of the neighbor’s hands, backed away, and said, “I don’t want to do this.” Yeah, baby, lesson learned! I explained my position on my child’s deciding who and how he was touched. The neighbor shrugged, smiled, and said, “Okay.”
Child assault prevention is not a ‘one and done’ topic for discussion, though. In raising my three sons, personal safety was brought up several times each year, in response to news items, a situation one of them mentioned at the table, or one that occurred in my work as a school psychologist. Periodic review of healthy body boundaries, refusal skills, and the importance of talking to a trusted adult in the event of an inappropriate contact reinforces children’s rights to be safe, strong, and free (a slogan coined by the Child Assault Prevention Project, a division of the National Assault Prevention Center, Columbus, OH).
WHAT TO WATCH OUT FOR
Few child molesters suddenly approach children in a blatantly sexual fashion. Instead, they ‘groom’ the child with special attention, treats, and privileges. Once a bond is established the perpetrator initiates a questionable tickle, wrestling hold, hug or kiss that makes the child feel confused or uncomfortable. Often children say they felt ‘yucky’ or an ‘uh-oh’ sensation the first time they were touched inappropriately. If they had been coached at home about trusting that ‘gut feeling,’ they would probably have felt assertive enough to say, “I don’t like that; stop it” and put space between themselves and the person who initiated the activity. When children respond thusly, exploiters rarely push the issue; they aren’t interested in children who speak up.
The difference between treats and bribes, between surprises and secrets needs to be explored in families. Treats are sometimes given for no reason or as a reward for something, while bribes are used as an exchange or to pressure someone into doing something they don’t want to do. A surprise may be planned for a birthday party or holiday; they are always happy, fun, and will always be told! When an older child or adult tries to coerce a child into a secret, it usually makes the child feel uncomfortable and sad. The concepts of consent and respectful relationships are important discussion topics for children nearing middle school. As mentioned previously, here is a bibliography I put together that provides a sampling of books that can equip children to maintain personal safety. I wish you the best in keeping your child safe, strong, and free!
