Surviving Sexual Trauma: What to Expect

You may have read the title of this post and thought, “yikes, I think I’ll read up on something a bit lighter … ” However, if you’re like me and you’ve had one or more encounters with incest or other forms of sexual abuse, then this post may feel a bit more relevant for you, and maybe all too familiar. 

Discussing this topic can be an overwhelming and confusing experience for anyone engaging with it for the first time, especially if they’ve never experienced a sexually traumatic encounter themselves.

In this post, I'll do my best to define some of the effects of child sexual assault encounters so those victimized can know they’re not crazy, guilty, or alone. My desire is that former victims, like me and so many others, can begin the journey of seeing themselves as a survivor rather than a victim, and that those around them can see them that way as well.

An issue of access

In ninety percent of child sexual assaults the perpetrator is known and trusted by the child: a member of the immediate or extended family, a coach, scout leader, teacher, youth pastor, the parent of a friend. The common thread is access to children. All molesters put themselves in positions where they can steal a few minutes or a half hour with the child they have carefully selected for abuse. 

They may choose the shy child in a sibling group, choir, or team, a child viewed as less likely to assert herself or to tell an adult afterward. They may single out a kid from a single-parent or an economically-disadvantaged family, thinking he or she might crave attention or could be enticed with inexpensive favors like candy, ice-cream or toys. Rarely does a child molester dive in quickly with inappropriate touching. 

Instead, the target is groomed over time with special attention, compliments, and treats. Once preferential treatment is established, the exploiter will usually gently touch the victim near the genitals or move the child’s hand to their genitals: a tickling or wrestling game, a grab underwater in the swimming pool.

Children’s natural curiosity and delight in being selected for special attention sets the stage for silence, the ‘conspiracy’ which perpetuates escalating physical contact and invasion. Sometimes the perpetrator takes care to tenderly stroke the innocent child, adding pleasure, and possibly endorphins to the swirling cauldron of feelings experienced by the victim.

A world of emotions

I believe children universally experience a powerful gut feeling that warns that this behavior is inappropriate and some protest. Many abusers use playfulness to maintain the child’s cooperation while others become somewhat menacing, reminding the child that s/he has accepted treats or small gifts, or has sneaked off to avoid the notice of peers or adults. This strategy often results in the child believing s/he is complicit to the sexual activity. Another level of guilt and/or shame.

When a child is exploited by an older, stronger child, a teen, or an adult, the initial response can be confusion, fear, anger, or any combination thereof. Not wanting to believe that someone is intentionally making them uncomfortable or hurting them, children sometimes tell themselves that the tickling or wrestling gone awry or the finger slipped beneath the underwear and into their bodies was accidental. 

Most children feel dirty, damaged, and ashamed. The offender nearly universally warns the child not to tell anybody and often adds a threat to ensure secrecy; this tends to add a layer of culpability or collusion, which adds to the stew of negative emotion.

As you’re reading this, you may be wondering, “why don’t children tell their parents or a trusted adult?”– if you’re asking this, it’s likely because you weren’t sexually abused as a child. There are myriad reasons why children harbor these secrets. Children observe relationships from infancy forward but have only a rudimentary understanding of how they work. Oftentimes they have a ‘black and white,’ either/or perspective. Parents can love you or hate you. Teachers are either Democrats or Republicans. Choir directors are either celebrated or fired.

So, if your twelve-year-old brother is molesting you and you tell your parents, which one of you gets thrown out of the family, him or you? Or, if your dad goes deer hunting every fall and keeps his guns on a rack in his bedroom and you tell him that the neighbor man shoved his finger where you think you pee, will dad shoot the guy? 

If you live with your grandparents and your grandpa shows you his private and asks you to kiss it, and you tell your mom, will your family get kicked out of the house? One of the greatest fears abused children have is not being believed. What if you tell your mom about Uncle Ken sneaking into the bathroom during your bath and she slaps you for having a ‘filthy mind?’ What if that same mom tells you that her uncle ‘bothered’ her when she was a girl and she turned out okay?

Finding hope … and a voice

Many studies, including this report from the YWCA on child abuse, have uncovered that one in four girls and one in seven boys are molested in the US before their eighteenth birthday but only forty percent disclose it and get the assistance they need. Many of them are exploited by multiple perpetrators and are haunted by feelings of shame and vulnerability.

A fair percentage of survivors, when making choices about whom to date or marry, end up with persons similar to their abusers: untrustworthy, manipulative, unfairly wielding power. Others harbor a low-grade rage that hovers just below the surface and tends to boil over against people who don’t deserve it (but are safer targets). 

Survivors tend to be perfectionists and blisteringly critical of others, as if trying to make things right decades after they were wronged. They may use alcohol, drugs, or food to soothe themselves. Survivors often find it difficult to trust others, to develop close relationships with friends and partners. They often fear abandonment, and have difficulty saying, ‘no.’ 

Survivors sometimes feel numb or in a panic during sexual encounters. They may believe they must only give pleasure rather than to experience sexual pleasure themselves. In order to feel safe, they may need to control everything about sex. Or, they may avoid sex altogether.

These overlapping phenomena are common experiences shared by many survivors. In my book, Peeling Away the Facade, I depict my journey as a young woman emerging as a survivor from years of incest, only to find herself vulnerable to many of the pitfalls noted in this article. If you’re looking to understand more in depth what it’s like to live this journey, or you’re living it now and could use another story to get you through your own, this is a great resource and if you’d like to view a sample chapter, press here.

The good news is that victims become survivors and survivors can, through diligent work and support, become victors. The suffering, self-blame, and anguish can be explored and healed. There are online support groups, community-based peer led support groups, incest survivor’s groups, and unlimited opportunities for individual therapy. Don’t wait to reach out to someone and start your healing.

In the words of Ellen Bass in The Courage to Heal, “It is possible to thrive . . to enjoy a feeling of wholeness, satisfaction in your life and work, genuine love and trust in your relationships, pleasure in your body.”