5 Signs that It’s Time to Say Something About Sexual Abuse

My sons were the spritely ages of five and two when, while I was bathing them one evening, the older one stood up and shook his butt in the younger one’s face. I went berserk. I slammed my firstborn’s hip into the side of the tub and screamed, “You never—EVER—shove your private places into someone else’s space!” My husband thundered upstairs, sent me out of the bathroom, and tended to our children, probably alarmed and confused at my reaction. Later that night, he told me that I had to get help, and that I could never “lose my shit” like that with the children again. You see, my older brother had started molesting me when I was seven and it went on for three years. I’d repressed it fairly well until witnessing that innocent moment in my own home, our safe place.  

It’s not easy to begin sharing when you’re riddled with shame and guilt at just the thought of the traumatic event(s). In my recent blog post titled, Surviving Sexual Trauma: What to Expect, I dive into this phenomena a bit more, discussing various reasons why someone like you or I wouldn’t be able to come forward with the truth, even though it may seem so obvious to others that it needs to be said.

Below, I share 5 ways to know when it’s time to say something about the sexual abuse you may have experienced. These 5 points are what I’ve pieced together from my own experience, so with this in mind, know that there are other phenomena not listed in this blog that may be more accurate to your own experience.

Five signs that it’s time to say something:

1. Anxiety and depression settle in, seemingly out of nowhere
   I had suffered mild bouts of depression since adolescence, and at 32, tended to pick my cuticles and lick my lips at the slightest twinge of anxiety. Probably as a result of having my boundaries and sense of control violated as a little girl, I had rigid ideas about routines, rules, and how everything should be done, an insistence that things be done my way. When my eldest turned seven, I felt a certain panic about his being out in the world of school, T-ball, and children’s choir.
   

2. You are a control freak, hyper-alert, trying to make everything/everyone perfect
   I’ve struggled with perfectionism nearly every day of my life, trying to be the best mother, social worker, psychologist, musician, tennis player, and school volunteer. If my behavior is beyond reproach, maybe I can compensate for having been ‘broken,’ damaged, scarred as a child. Maybe my shame about being bought for a candy bar, a bottle of pop, or a chance to drive our dad’s Studebaker will diminish.
   

3. You’re experiencing problems in your primary relationships (partner, children, parents)
   Do you have difficulty maintaining trust, commitment, and flexibility in your most important relationships? Do you vacillate between putting people on a pedestal or tearing them down, viewing them as either flawless or unable to do anything to suit you? Do you have healthy boundaries, become enmeshed, or hold loved ones at arm’s length? Have you been divorced or left long-term relationships more than once? Are you estranged from people with whom you really desire relationships but struggle with deep connection?
   

4. You overreact to benign events, phrases, or touches
   Do you respond to your children’s issues, challenges at work, news events, certain touches,  or comments with excessive intensity? As if you’ve been personally offended or as if someone’s life depended on your ‘handling’ the situation? Feeling indignant with an accompanying contemptuous facial expression was my default reaction to ambiguous situations for years. Black and white thinking and rules provided respite from vulnerability, which was utterly intolerable--clearly the result of my powerlessness when being exploited.
   

5. You’ve never disclosed your abuse in an effort to get the support you need
   As one woman in Bass and Davis’s book, The Courage to Heal, said, “You haven’t even lived a fraction of yourself.” I urge you to speak up and work with the strength, unique skills and talents you possess. Get into therapy or a support group. Invest in the resilient person you were born to be. Healing is possible. You’ll often feel like you’ve been put through the heavy soil cycle and spun into a limp heap, but there is an abundant life of thriving on the other side and you are worth it!The incest survivor’s group helped. Confronting my brother with a nine-page single-spaced letter helped. The eight therapists I’ve worked with since age 18, the ACOA group and Al-Anon meetings and materials have helped. But if you’ve never disclosed your experience of incest to another person in a meaningful, working-at-it way, don’t wait! Here is a list of organizations who offer support to those who’ve been faced with sexual trauma. Your pain and vulnerability will not go away; it will keep rearing its ugly head and having an adverse impact on your life.