How To Cope When Sexual Perpetrators Are Still In Your Life
Since nearly half of child sexual assaults are committed by family members, there’s a good chance that you have some contact with your abuser. Parents, grandparents, uncles, siblings, and cousins have bribed or tricked children into inappropriate behaviors ranging from fondling to brutal rape. Other pedophiles are on a continuum from neighbors to coaches, scout leaders to youth ministers, teachers to godparents. The universal factor is secrecy; such aberrant behavior cannot be sustained without the shroud of silence.
You may or may not have confronted your perpetrator(s) about the sexual abuse, so you are likely to feel tension, anger, and mistrust when in this person’s company. You may attempt to keep a safe distance by not sitting beside him or her, and by not being alone in a room or vehicle with them. Following this protective instinct is wise and the perpetrator’s feelings about such caution should not concern you. There is a possibility that your abuser has repressed the exploitation, whether it occurred once or over a period of many years. The human mind is capable of astounding feats and denial of wrongdoing is just one of them.
Your exploiter could have total recall of the assault, on the other hand, and might leer at you or make suggestive comments that give you the creeps or make you want to escape. I suggest that you handle these attempts at control and boundary violation assertively. An immediate response can clarify your position and empower you. Something like: “I feel uncomfortable when you tell dirty jokes in front of me and my children. From now on, please save them for people who appreciate them. If you tell off-color stories in my presence again, I’ll avoid gatherings that include you.” This clarifies your perspective and intentions without judgment, blame, or insult.
If you haven’t confronted the person who sexually assaulted you, you could experience fear or residual feelings of vulnerability. I know women who have lived apart from their tormentor for fifteen years yet continue to be frightened when around him. Using common sense, not putting yourself in a position to be alone with such a person, reminding yourself that you are an adult (no longer a powerless child), or even taking some self-defense classes can assuage those anxieties. I used to have a recurring dream about being chased by a man in a desolate neighborhood at night. I couldn’t run and I couldn’t scream. After learning self-defense strategies at the First National Child Assault Prevention Conference, the haunting dream ceased. That was thirty-six years ago.
Considering the myriad ways our lives have been contorted by child sexual assault, I believe that survivors have an obligation to speak up to prevent further exploitation. I’m not implying that you should file charges years or even decades after the abuse, but that others in your family or social circle be made aware of the perpetrator’s history. You may not want to give sordid details but warning parents of children who may be in the company of the abuser is essential. You might say, “When I was six years old, Uncle Steve promised to show me kittens in the barn, then molested me. Please don’t allow your kids to be alone with him.”
Far too many survivors minimize the ongoing threat of sexual predators. They may tell themselves that teenage boys just have uncontrollable hormones, or that Grandpa couldn’t control his overwhelming love for children, or that “boys will be boys,”–that theirs was an isolated case of sexual deviance. Statistics refute this thinking. One longitudinal study indicated that 70% of child sexual offenders have one to nine victims, while 20% have between ten and forty victims. No one who has experienced the havoc wreaked by child sexual assault wants a single innocent to be abused. It’s better to offend the exploiter or to cause some family or social discomfort than to allow another child to be assaulted.
Confronting your abuser directly is often necessary to recover from child sexual assault. Although this can be a daunting prospect, there are infinite benefits. This is the topic of my next blog. Until then, honor your courage and the steps you’ve already taken to overcome abuse.
