When Silence Hurts Twice
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How Lack of Emotional Support from Family Compounds the Trauma of Incest
When I was nine and my thirteen-year-old brother was molesting me, my family was so misogynistic that I never considered telling my parents. Males had worth, power, and rights; females did not. I didn’t think my parents would believe what their first-born and only son was doing to me. I told no one about the incest until I was twenty-four years old and had been assaulted by two other perpetrators.
Incest Is Not Just Abuse — It’s a Betrayal of a Core Relationship
Incest is a unique form of trauma because it violates the foundational bonds of trust, safety, and protection expected within a family. Judith Herman, in her seminal book Trauma and Recovery, emphasizes that betrayal by a caregiver or sibling magnifies trauma’s psychological impact. The abuser is not a stranger but someone the child should have been able to rely on. In a later book, Truth and Repair: How Trauma Survivors Envision Justice, Herman calls out family members who don’t want to know the truth or who will not help the abused individual. She speculates that survivors’ bitterness about these secondary betrayals will be felt more deeply than that experienced against their abusers.Emotional Support Is a Lifeline — Its Absence Is Another Form of Harm
When survivors seek understanding and compassion from family members and are met instead with denial, minimization, or rejection, it inflicts what many psychologists refer to as betrayal trauma (Freyd). The absence of emotional validation communicates to the survivor that their pain is too inconvenient to acknowledge.Family Denial Forces Survivors Into a Double Bind
Survivors of incest often find themselves silenced not only by the abuser but also by a family system more committed to maintaining the illusion of normalcy than seeking justice. This pressure to “keep quiet” can lead to internalized shame and self-blame. The survivor may conclude that their safety and recovery are secondary to the family’s comfort and/or reputation. But as psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk notes in The Body Keeps the Score , trauma that cannot be spoken often becomes stored in the body and expressed through anxiety, depression, or chronic illness.Gaslighting by Loved Ones Deepens the Trauma
When survivors are told they are lying, exaggerating, or misremembering, it’s not just invalidation — it’s gaslighting. This manipulation distorts the survivor’s perception of reality and identity. Jennifer Freyd’s research on betrayal blindness (an individual unconsciously pushing threatening information out of their awareness to protect relationships) explains how family members may ignore abuse to preserve their own sense of safety. But this coping mechanism has devastating effects on survivors.Isolation Prevents Healing
Survivors who are not believed by their families often lose access to their primary emotional support network. Without connection and safety, the survivor becomes further isolated, increasing the risk for depression, PTSD, substance use disorders, and even suicidality (Ullman & Filipas). Researchers found that female survivors experienced more distress and self-blame than did male survivors post-assault, and those who delayed disclosure had greater PTSD severity. For survivors who are doubted by family members, the trauma is no longer just about what happened — it’s about being abandoned in its wake.Family Loyalty Is Often a Smokescreen for Protecting the Abuser
Families may hide behind the rhetoric of “forgiveness” or “moving on” to avoid facing their complicity or discomfort. But as survivor advocate and author Donna Jackson Nakazawa writes in Childhood Disrupted, healing can only begin when the truth is acknowledged — not buried.Rejection Reinforces the Survivor’s Shame
Survivors may already feel contaminated or responsible for their abuse. When families doubt their account of sexual abuse or withdraw emotional support, this shame solidifies. Shame, unlike guilt, is not about what one has done, but about who one believes they are. Left untreated, it becomes a lifelong lens through which survivors view themselves.Lack of Support Can Be as Traumatizing as the Abuse Itself
Research suggests that secondary wounding — the emotional injuries caused by the responses of others — can sometimes be even more damaging than the original abuse (Draucker & Martsolf). When a survivor is punished for speaking their truth, their trauma is not only reinforced but made exponentially more complex.Healing Requires Safe Relationships — and Sometimes That Means Chosen Family
Many survivors find healing not in their family of origin, but in communities that believe, validate, and support them. As therapist Laura Davis writes in The Courage to Heal, “You don’t have to forgive or reconcile with your family to heal — you only have to reclaim your voice and surround yourself with people who help you do that.”Breaking the Silence Is a Political and Psychological Act
To speak the truth of incest is to confront deeply rooted systems of power, patriarchy, and silence. Survivors who break this silence — especially without family support — are doing profound emotional labor not only for themselves but for generations that come after. Their courage deserves to be met with solidarity, not shame.
I participated in an incest survivor’s group and confronted my brother 22 years after he molested me. Unlike most perpetrators, he admitted and apologized for his 3 years of abuse. I’ve since engaged in numerous rounds of therapy, and write about incest and child sexual abuse now, sixty years later, because survivors must know that they are not alone, are not to blame, and are entitled to safety, support, and a life of thriving.
May God bless every step of our individual recoveries!
References:
J. L. Herman, Trauma and Recovery (New York: Basic Books, 1992).
J. L. Herman, Truth and Repair: How Trauma Survivors Envision Justice (New York: Basic Books, 2024).
B. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score. (New York: Viking, 2014).
J. J. Freyd, Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1996).
J. J. Freyd & P. Birrell, Blind to Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren’t Being Fooled (Wauwatosa, WI: Trade Paper Press, 2013).
Draucker, C. B., & Martsolf, D. S. (2008). Life-course typology of healing from childhood sexual abuse. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, (2), 123–144.
Ullman, S. E., & Filipas, H. H. (2005). Gender differences in social reactions to sexual assault disclosures. Child Abuse and Neglect, (7), 767–782.
L. Davis, The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. (New York: Harper & Row, 1988).
D. Jackson Nakazawa, Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology, and How You Can Heal (New York: Atria Books, 2015).
