VERBAL ABUSE AND ITS LONG-TERM IMPACT
Photo by Gerd Altman from Pixabay
Verbal abuse and self-worth
“You expect me to talk about my job with this bony-fingered bitch I have at home?” my husband of 25 years asked our pastoral counselor after I found incriminating emails between him and his coworker. We’d been in therapy with this pastor for a year following my husband’s 5-year entanglement with his colleague. He swore she was merely a comrade. The emails suggested otherwise.
Instead of his comment stunning me into silence and making me feel powerless, I realized how out of control my husband was. Sure, his words stung, but I was done feeling bad about myself because of his disloyal behavior. For most adults and children, however, verbal abuse, often overlooked or minimized, significantly damages their sense of self-esteem, leading to lasting consequences.
What is verbal abuse?
“Verbal abuse is a form of psychological or emotional abuse that involves spoken and written words, sometimes, even body language, like gestures.” 1 Insults, threats, belittling, humiliation, constant criticism, name-calling, swearing at you, accusing you of cheating, telling you that you’re lucky to be with them and you’ll never find someone better, yelling at you, blaming you for their abusive behaviors, gaslighting (lying about past events in an effort to make you doubt your sanity), attempting to isolate you from family and/or friends are all forms of verbal abuse. It can also involve nonverbal aggression such as slamming doors, punching walls, throwing things, and destroying your belongings.
The difference between constructive criticism and verbal abuse is in the tone of voice used, body posture, and respect between the people having a conversation. “Verbal abuse, also known as emotional abuse, is a range of words or behaviors used to manipulate, intimidate, and maintain power and control over someone.” 2 Abusers may be angry or frustrated, and hope their victims will feel helpless, hopeless, and unwanted. They want their targets to be afraid of upsetting them in the future. 3
Sixty-three percent of parents in the US report having engaged in verbal abuse with their children at least once. 48.4% of women and 48.8% of men in the US experience psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime. 4 40% of children in the UK experience verbal abuse by adults (parents, caregivers, teachers, friends’ parents, and activity leaders). 51% experience abuse weekly; 10% experience it daily. 5
The psychological impact of verbal abuse
Between the midpoint and the end of my marriage, my husband’s occasional verbal abuse, door-slamming, and his smashing a stool into a counter resulted in fear, intimidation, and doubting my self-worth. I’ve known women whose partners’ frequent verbal abuse eroded their self-image and resulted in them withdrawing socially.
Verbal abuse damages relationships, creates power imbalances, and fosters an unhealthy environment. Chronic insults, belittling, name-calling and humiliation can lead to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance abuse, and even suicidal ideation in children, adolescents, and adults. 6 Children who are verbally abused sometimes become emotionally abusive to others or feel comfortable around people who are emotionally volatile. Their exposure to verbal abuse can impact their adult relationships and result in generational aggression. (Please consider reading my blog, How to Cope with Abusive Family Members.)
Rebuilding self-worth after verbal abuse
The first step in recovery is recognizing and naming verbal abuse. Understand that it is not your fault and have self-compassion.
Try to set firm boundaries with your abuser. Make it clear that the way you’re being treated is unacceptable and you won’t tolerate it. Use an “I message,” such as, “When you call me names and blame me for all our problems, it is hurtful and makes me want to leave this relationship. I expect to be treated with respect and common courtesy.”
Seek support from trusted friends, relatives, and professionals.
Practice self-care with deep breathing, mindfulness activities, or pampering yourself once per week (please consider reading my blog, A Dozen Ways to Pamper Yourself).
Make a safety exit plan, including code words, emergency contacts, and safe places. 1
Therapeutic approaches
Cognitive behavioral therapy
Trauma-informed therapy
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing
Mindfulness
Yoga
Tai Chi
Muay Thai
Thriving following verbal abuse
I divorced after 26 years of marriage, not primarily over verbal abuse, but over irreconcilable differences and priorities. I became more assertive, independent, and authentic. I’m happily remarried now and volunteer weekly in a shelter for battered women and their children. Every month I witness women recovering, regaining their self-worth and sense of agency.
With time, hard work, support, and determination, healing from verbal abuse and physical abuse is possible. I pray that you believe in your fundamental worthiness, your rights to safety and self-esteem.
1 Dalno, J. E. (2022). Verbal abuse: examples, signs, and effects. Talkspace.com/blog
2 Bhandari, S. (2024). Verbal abuse: 4 signs to look for. WebMD
3 OASH Office on Women’s Health (2024). Emotional and verbal abuse, Occupational Safety and Health Administration
4 Fast facts and statistics (2024). Domestic Violence Center of Chester County
5 Two in five children (41%) experience harmful verbal abuse by adults around them, reveals groundbreaking new study. wordsmatter (2023)
6 Yun, J. Y., et al. (2019). Verbal abuse related to self-esteem damage and unjust blame harms mental health and social interaction in college population. Scientific Reports, 9 (1): 5655
If you find yourself in immediate danger, call 911.
If not in immediate danger, reach out to a friend, relative, therapist, shelter, or a domestic violence hotline.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Crisis Text Line: 741741 in US and CA
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN): 1-800-656-4673
