How to Cope with Abusive Family Members
When I began researching this blog, I found a list of observations I’d written in 1989 about negative, non-cohesive dynamics in my home. The one that jerked me upright in my chair was about the pattern between my oldest son and me: my aggravation at his behavior, demeanor, and his cornucopia attitude. He seemed to respond to my disapproval with more annoying antics, maybe because it gave him a sense of control. This snippet of history put a lump in my throat. At age seven, my son’s interactions with his four-year-old brother had reminded me of my brother’s mistreatment of me, the worst of which had been incest. I was a school psychologist by the time I became a parent and knew that the cycle of toxic behavior can last for generations.
“The Buddha said that in this life we would experience ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows. He understood that suffering is a thread that runs through the entire fabric of our lives. . .Jesus said it in another way: ‘In the world you shall have tribulation.’ He added that the poor and wounded would always be among us.”1
If you were physically, sexually, or psychologically abused as a child or even in adulthood, you are undoubtedly familiar with suffering. Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, noted that individuals who have been victims of abuse in their families of origin or in their marriages are often determined to stop that cycle, but can’t seem to find an example to follow; hence, they follow the patterns of their past that they abhor.2 Early in his book, he tells readers that vision is greater than baggage, that what we can envision for the future is more powerful than whatever traumas occurred in the past or the problems we’re confronting now.
“If you do not feel safe in your home, you’re probably experiencing physical, verbal, sexual, or psychological abuse,” says a Mental Health America writer in a blog, “My Family Members Are Abusive.” You may have a family member who humiliates you in public, constantly corrects you, accuses you of being too sensitive, or limits your freedom by restricting your access to money or transportation, any of which constitutes emotional abuse.3 The suggestions at the end of this blog have the potential to restore you to psychological safety.
Those of us who hear ourselves repeating hurtful phrases our parents hurled at us or being physically aggressive with our child or spouse likely long for more effective ways of functioning in our families. Covey claimed that self-awareness, conscience, creative imagination, and independent will can intervene in the space humans have between what happens to us and our response to it. So, instead of making five negative comments to my son for every positive one as he was growing up, I needed to develop a “pause button,” to stop the transmission of negative habits from one generation to the next. Although I didn’t consider myself creative, I’d heard a woman say that she put a rubber band around her wrist and snapped it every time she criticized someone. I put masking tape around my wrist and penned a plus sign on one side when I made positive comments and a minus sign on the other side when I made negative ones, decreasing my nagging, and improving my relationship with my child.
Therapist and Harvard Divinity School graduate Wayne Muller wrote that our beliefs about pain can change our response to suffering, that if we see our pain as a violation or an injustice, we harden ourselves, fight it, and harbor anger at the person who caused the hurt. He found in his clients a desperate need to explain why they were hurt, an aching to understand the cause of their pain. They seemed to take comfort in finding a reasonable explanation for their suffering.
Muller found that if someone decided that she experienced pain because she wasn’t good enough, she was determined to spend her life working to improve herself. If another concluded that he was hurt because he wasn’t caring enough, he dedicated himself to helping everyone. If someone believed she was hurt because the world wasn’t safe, or people couldn’t be trusted, she would protect herself by not getting close to anyone. These individuals seemed to think pain in their current lives was a result of being hurt as children. They apparently wanted to heal their past to ensure that they wouldn’t suffer future pain. Muller found such thinking to be an obstacle to emotional freedom. He claims that convincing our abusers to apologize, love us, or make right what was wrong, is an effort to wrestle a happy ending to our past. This is impossible and reminds me of the wise words of an Al-Anon member: I started to get well when I gave up all hope of having a better past.
Naming and healing past abuses is critical, Muller said. But feeling the pain in the context of past stories—beatings, incest, being told that we weren’t good enough—prevents one from entering the pain, and from surrendering to the grief that can result in deep healing. Therapy provides a safe place for entering the pain and coping with the grief.
Many individuals who have suffered on-going abuse wonder if they must sever the relationship with the abuser. Emily Perrine-Gifford, an American clinical psychologist practicing in Zurich, advises clients to pay attention to how they feel before and after seeing or talking to the abusive person. “If anxiety or depression spike before contact, or post-traumatic stress symptoms emerge after, it might be time to cut off contact. If you’ve repeatedly talked to your relative about their behavior, but it continues, take note.”4 She says that abusers often won’t own up to their actions, they try to make their victims feel at fault, get angry, or offer excuses as to why they acted poorly. These may be indicators that change is unlikely, and that breaking contact may be the best course of action.
Sharon Martin, a licensed clinical social worker, offers the following tips for cutting ties with toxic family members: acknowledge that the relationship is abusive (stop minimizing and denying the harm the family member has caused), give up the fantasy that they will change, grieve the loss of having the kind of relationship you wanted with this person (a parent, sibling, grandparent), and get support from a therapist.5 She indicates that cutting ties is not something one does because they’re mean or spiteful, but is a protective measure taken after being repeatedly hurt, having tried to repair the relationship, and being frustrated that nothing has changed.
Model Ashley Morgan Smithline, following a two-year relationship with rock star Marilyn Manson, had to sever all ties to him in 2012. When they met in 2010, he seemed “the perfect man. . .a sensitive soul underneath a ghoulish persona.”6 In February, 2021 she met with six other women who shared their abuse accounts about Manson. Smithline said he whipped her back, cut her ribs while having sex with her, broke her nose, and carved his initials into her thigh. “I thought he was going to kill me,” she said, and her anorexia, which she had battled in her youth, returned with a vengeance.
After Smithline’s five-hour meeting with other women who had been victimized by Manson, her healing process took a positive turn. She says that her motive for disclosing the abuse was to prevent other women from being hurt. Even though she’d been physically out of Manson’s grasp for nearly a decade, her emotional wounds were pervasive and deep. Manson, who has sold more than fifty million records which have drawn controversy due to their violent, misogynistic content, has since been dropped by his record label.
Susan Forward, Ph.D, states that individuals who confront their abusers may feel euphoric from their newfound courage and strength, or flooded with relief to have the air cleared. “You may feel a lot lighter for having said many of the things you were holding in for so long. But you may also feel severely off balance, or disappointed.”7 You may feel anxious about what will happen next in the family. While it can take months to experience empowerment, Forward stresses that you will enjoy a steadily increasing sense of well-being and confidence.
Following the face-to-face confrontation with my brother 22 years after he molested me, I felt disappointed in his lack of explanation, but relieved that he admitted the abuse and apologized. I grappled with rage and hypervigilance for years thereafter yet continued to develop assertiveness and a sense of personal safety. If you’re struggling with an abusive family member, I urge you to break that legacy of pain, and to take steps toward your own recovery and a healthy family life.
STRATEGIES TO TRY (as suggested by the authors cited herein):
Designate a safe space at home or at a friend’s house to get away from abuse. Avoid being alone in a room or vehicle with the abuser. If you don’t live with the abuser, avoid gatherings or events when the abuser will be present.
Use words and actions to create healthy boundaries between you and the abuser (end the conversation or leave the room to show you won’t tolerate abuse).
Seek counseling from a mental health professional.
Confront abusive family members in a safe setting with a support person with you. After writing down the specifics of the abuse, how it made you feel at the time, how it has affected your life, and what you want in the future, rehearse what you will say. If you can’t imagine having an honest conversation with your abuser, you can write a letter instead.
Step away from the relationship for at least a while. If you can’t literally leave, disengage from the abuse in the best way you can.
Build your self-esteem. Surround yourself with anything or anyone who sees your value (people at work, in an organization, your support network, those at your place of worship) to remind you that you aren’t the problem. It is the abuser who has the problem.
Go out into the world, talk, and listen to others where many relationships are possible, where opportunities for change or different points of view are available. This will empower you, making honest conversation about abuse possible.
Warn others in the family who may be vulnerable to the kind of abuse you’ve experienced (siblings, nieces and nephews, grandchildren of the perpetrator).
Consider forgiving abusive family members—the parent, sibling, uncle, grandparent—setting yourself free from the cycle of pain and anger that makes you a prisoner to suffering. You wouldn’t be forgiving the act, the violence, the incest, the abuse, but forgiving the people who couldn’t cherish their family member. You would be forgiving their unskillfulness, confusion, suffering, and their humanity. Such forgiveness could set all involved free to follow their own destiny. Some experts believe that forgiveness is appropriate only when abusers do something to earn it (acknowledge what happened, take responsibility, show a willingness to make amends and to eliminate abuse from the relationship). Many do not believe that forgiveness is necessary in order to feel better about yourself and to change your life for the better.
Congratulate yourself for recognizing the abuse, for having the strength to survive it, and for seeking safety and security in all your relationships.
Survivors of incest may wish to read my earlier blog, “How to Cope When Sexual Perpetrators Are Still in Your Life”
Wayne Muller, Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1993.
Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Golden Books, New York, 1997.
“Five Ways to Deal with Family Members Who Are Emotionally Abusive,” Women Working blog 07/19/17.
“When It’s Time to Cut Off a Family Member,” Emily Perrine-Gifford blog 01/03/18, www.vice.com.
“Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members: An Act of Self-Care,” Sharon Martin, LCSW blog 2019.
“Surviving Marilyn Manson,” Tomas Mier, People Magazine, 05/17/21.
Susan Forward, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, Bantam, New York, 1989.
