How Sexual Abusers Use Manipulation and Guilt to Control Child Victims

 

Photo by Chris Yang on Unsplash

Caitie Dahl, a forensic interview specialist with the Zero Abuse Project (ZAP), writes that manipulation or “grooming” behaviors are one of the most complex dynamics in cases of child sexual abuse, especially those involving adolescents. “The term grooming has been used for decades to describe the deliberate process through which an abuser manipulates and desensitizes their victim by building trust with a child or adolescent to establish control and facilitate future exploitation.” 1


Dahl cites five stages of grooming:

  • 1. Victim Selection where the potential offender identifies a child or teen who appears to be emotionally isolated, to have low self-esteem, to lack a stable home life or strong support system

  • 2. Access Establishment involves spending time at places frequented by youth or seeking a volunteer opportunity or employment in youth-serving positions.

  • 3. Trust Development occurs when the potential offender tries to determine the target’s needs and attempts to meet them (such as paying for something the family cannot afford, supporting a particular interest, making the target feel special, unique, or “chosen”) to create an emotional attachment. Gifts, compliments, an offer of protection from peer bullying, and special privileges are often used to cement the bond. The abuser typically tries to isolate the victim from family and friends, so the child over-relies on the perpetrator, and dependency is established.

  • 4. Desensitization to Physical and Sexual Contact: the gradual introduction of inappropriate conversations, physical, or sexual contact. In testing out a new victim, the perpetrator usually “accidentally” touches breasts or genitals. If the child doesn’t protest or threaten to tell, over time the exploitative contact escalates while the perpetrator tries to convince the victim that what is happening is natural and mutually agreed upon.

  • 5. Maintenance Following the Abuse: the offender uses strategies to maintain access to the victim and demands secrecy. Bribes and rewards are likely still used, but lies (such as “Nobody will believe you if you tell.”), threats (like “Telling will destroy your reputation or your family.”), or the threat of violence (“I’ll burn down your house.”) are often added.


Young children usually feel confused, conflicted, and ashamed about their contact with abusers. Adolescents, says Dahl, in the midst of identity formation, may believe they’re involved in a consensual romantic relationship. They might feel flattered to have been selected by an adult rather than a peer and are prone to keep the liaison a secret.


The Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault refers to an additional stage of grooming, the Stage of Isolation. The potential offender may offer to provide childcare, 1-1 tutoring or coaching, or to take the child to an after-school practice—creating an opportunity to be alone. The abuser may claim to be the only person who understands or loves the child, encouraging dependency. “The abuser may encourage the child or young person to cut contact with friends and family. Damaging or breaking relationships with family and friends creates a sense of ‘us and them.’ The groomer can then assume a protective and understanding role to fill those voids.” 2


The Maryland Coalition article stated that the offender may also groom the child’s parents or caregivers by persuading them of their trustworthiness with children. Statistics indicate that over 87% of child sexual abusers are known and trusted by their victims and their families, so they have likely gathered information about the child’s interests and needs. They then plan ways to meet those. The abuser may allow the child to do something the parent doesn’t allow, such as viewing pornography, drinking alcohol, or using drugs.


Barnardo’s, a leading children’s protection organization in the United Kingdom, writes that during the Maintenance Control stage of sexual abuse, the abuser uses secrecy, blame, and threats to manipulate the child into increasing levels of sexual activity. “Threats may be made against the child’s family and friends. The abuser may also threaten to circulate indecent or abusive images of the child.” 3


In what appears to be an extension of Barnardo’s earlier publication, the Queensland Government Child Safety Practice Manual cites the Abusive Relationship Stage of sexual abuse. The sexual offender may become verbally abusive to the victim, chipping away at self-esteem and reinforcing dependency. S/he may coerce victims into remaining in the relationship by claiming they ‘owe’ a debt for all the money that has been spent on them. Some offenders may traffic the young person for sex. 4


What can be done to thwart the efforts of potential sexual offenders?

Parents can explain grooming strategies to their children with language such as, “When someone who is older and has more power treats someone younger to special attention, privileges, gifts, or compliments to get close to them, they are up to no good. When they have the trust of the younger person, they try to get them to do things they don’t want to do. If that ever happens to you, get away from that person and that place where you might not feel safe. Then tell someone you trust.” Please consider reading “Who Can I Tell? A Guide for Incest Survivors.

Ask questions like:

  • “What could you do if someone tried to convince you to do something that seems wrong or you just don’t want to do it?”

  • “What are some warning signs that someone who is being nice to you doesn’t have your well-being in mind?”


Please consider reading “Why Parents Are the Cornerstone of Child Assault Prevention.

1 Dahl, C. (2024). Unseen forces: manipulation, grooming, and the gradual desensitization to sexual abuse in adolescents. Zero Abuse Project.

2. Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault publication. November, 2023.

3.Barnardo’s. (2019). Why grooming victims think they love their abuser. Changing Childhoods. Changing Lives.

4. Stages of manipulation and coercion. (2024). Queensland Government Child Safety Practice Manual.

 
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