How Incest Survivors Can Reclaim the Agency and Safety We Deserve

Written By Lee Reinecke
 

Photo on Pixabay

Content Note

This post discusses how survivors of family-perpetrated sexual abuse recover their feelings of being in charge of their lives, knowing where they stand on issues, knowing they have a say in what happens to them, and developing confidence in their ability to shape their circumstances. It does not contain graphic descriptions of abuse.

Introduction

I was molested over a 3-year period by my older brother, yet have a fulfilling, happy life. Reclaiming agency after incest often involves rebuilding trust in our own perceptions, choices, boundaries, and body. We can’t erase our history of abuse but can create a life that is safe and self-directed.

Understanding Agency After Incest 

Psychiatrist Bessel Van der Kolk writes that agency starts with awareness of our body-based feelings; the greater that awareness, the greater our potential to control our lives. “Knowing what we feel is the first step to knowing why we feel that way.” 1 He says our gut feelings signal what is safe or threatening and help us evaluate what is going on around us. If we trust these inner sensations, we will feel in charge of our bodies, feelings, and ourselves. But if we ignore internal warning signs, we may become bewildered, confused, and ashamed. This could prevent us from detecting what is actually dangerous and what is safe or nourishing. “Self-regulation depends on having a friendly relationship with your body. Without it, you have to rely on external regulation—from medication, drugs like alcohol, constant reassurance, or compulsive compliance with the wishes of others.”

Pastor Kaji Dousa believes there’s spiritual wisdom in the adage, “Trust your gut,” that our bodies have a brilliant neurological response system to tell us when something isn’t right. If an idea makes us sick to our stomachs, our bodies are telling us to wait, to take a second look. “Scientists call our guts our ‘second brain.’ It’s a deeper knowing that, through the marvel of creation, helps God to guide our intuition. Your intuition brilliantly melds your brain, gut, awareness, learnings, memories, and feelings to communicate something crucial. Our connection to God is part of that process, as well. Every moment of our lives, God’s trying to tell us something. Fine-tuning our mastery of the intuitive process in connection to the humility of listening is how we decide faithfully and wisely.” 2

Co-founder and editor in chief of OM, Madisyn Taylor, claims that gut feelings earn their name from the place in the body where they make themselves known. “A pang in your gut when you may be doing the wrong things, or a vibrant zing when your body approves, can guide you reliably at times when logic fails. Sometimes, we ignore our gut and live to regret it, understanding later that a rational approach is only one way of determining what is going on in a situation and how we should react.” 3

With 30 years of experience in New Thought spirituality, holistic healing, and mental health, Taylor says that trusting our gut gives us the courage to act, to reach out into the world, and to create change. She recommends taking a deep breath and, when exhaling, pulling your navel in toward your spine to empty out completely before taking another deep breath. She says this releases stagnant energy and creates more space to be filled with fresh, nourishing breath, which will result in clearer gut feelings that we’ll have more confidence in.

Incest survivors often mistrust our own judgment due to the nagging belief that we were at fault for the abuse. The reality is that an older person in our family with more power took advantage of their position to manipulate us. We were not to blame and probably didn’t seek help because we were afraid of being punished or disbelieved. Self-compassion is crucial and helps to banish our guilt and shame. (Please consider reading The Power of Self-Forgiveness for Sexual Assault Survivors.)

Why Safety Can Feel Complicated 

Safety can be complicated for incest survivors because sexual abuse occurred in a relationship and environment that was supposed to provide shelter and security. When attachment and harm are combined, our nervous system receives conflicting messages about who is trustworthy, how to respond to touch, and what is safe.

It is natural for children to depend on family members, but when a perpetrator was someone who provided care, attention, affection, or authority, the child may have concluded that safety and danger can exist at the same time. As an adult, survivors might feel drawn to people who are unsafe and distrust genuinely caring people. They may feel guilty for wanting to distance themselves from family members who abused them or even miss someone who had caused them harm.

Small Ways to Reclaim Choice 

Reclaiming safety means reclaiming choice. Survivors should listen to their inner preferences and be willing to voice them. When asked what program or movie we wish to watch, we can speak honestly. We can express ourselves in how we wear our hair, dress, and say what or where we’d like to eat. We can deliberate our wants and needs before giving ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers. We can pick one small decision today and make it without consulting anyone. We can walk away from situations that feel wrong or unsafe.

Carol Higgins, incest survivor and author of Conquering the Impossible: Making the Dream Come True, talked about her recovery from father-daughter incest. One breakthrough in her therapy was learning how to question things, to think for herself. She began asking why, what, where, when, and how questions. Doing so led her back to the police department, where her attempts to file charges against her abuser had been denied for more than twenty years.

Another aspect of Higgins’ recovery was going to the gym and staying fit. “Keeping my body strong helped my mental health, and I’ve kept that up all my life.” 4 A few years before her father’s trial, she climbed Kilimanjaro for charity; when she arrived at the top, she shouted, “Peace to the world! I am a champion!” When her father was convicted of her abuse, she felt like she’d reached the summit of the biggest mountain she’d ever climbed. When she stepped out of court, she repeated those same words.

Did you know?

Many survivors experience these trauma responses:

  • Hypervigilance 

  • Difficulty trusting others 

  • People-pleasing 

  • Dissociation 

  • Shame 

  • Boundary confusion 

  • Challenges with intimacy 

Some of us developed these behaviors as adaptations to our abuse or chaotic home lives. As we seek healing through trauma-informed or somatic therapy, a support group, a retreat, and/or journal-writing, many of us recognize that these are no longer necessary or adaptive to our well-being. (You may find The Effects of Childhood Incest on Adult Life, What is Dissociation and How Does It Affect Life After Trauma?, and Setting Boundaries with Abusive Family Members: A 7-Step Path to Radical Self-Respect helpful.)

Survivor Voices

Our Wave, an online platform that provides a safe, anonymous space for survivors of sexual harm to share their experiences, reflect on their healing journeys, and connect with others, was launched in 2019. “Designed to empower survivors, the platform allows users to post anonymous stories or visual media, ask questions, and send messages of hope, all while prioritizing privacy and security.” 5

The mission of Our Wave is to be a safe harbor for survivors by fostering connection: with self through reflection, with others through building community, and with the world by exploring best practices for healing. “Grounding” exercises are available before visitors to the site can read or share their stories, as are educational exhibits and resource lists connecting survivors to local and national organizations.

Saprea, a Utah organization that hosts retreats for female survivors of child sexual abuse, also offers assault prevention workshops for children, online courses, and myriad materials for assisting survivors of child sexual abuse. Their four-day retreats are free and include sessions about trauma and the brain, awareness, the body/mind connection, mindfulness, and faith. Saprea’s retreat facilitators, counselors, and writers are extremely knowledgeable, and survivors are encouraged to interact with peers in a way that encourages connection rather than isolation.

Readers, in what ways have you struggled to reclaim agency and safety in your adult lives? Please share strategies that have been helpful in “comments.”

Conclusion

Reclaiming agency does not require dramatic transformations. It can begin with noticing your preferences, honoring your boundaries, and recognizing moments when you make choices that reflect your own values rather than your past experiences. Agency grows through action; as we move a muscle, state our opinions, and carve out the priorities in our lives, we build the abundant, healthy lives we deserve. “Resilience is the product of agency: knowing that what you do can make a difference.” 1 You are not alone or damaged. May we survivors encourage and cheer each other on in our journey to wholeness.

Resources

 
Lee Reinecke
Next

When Home Isn’t Safe: 7 Things Survivors Must Know Before Leaving