The Power of Self-Forgiveness for Sexual Assault Survivors
Image by Rosy / Bad Homburg / Germany from Pixabay
One of the most difficult obstacles in recovery for sexual assault survivors is self-forgiveness. The majority experience crippling shame about their abuse and engage in a great deal of negative self-talk (such as “Why didn’t you tell someone sooner? How do you keep finding people who abuse you? Why did you put yourself in harm’s way?”). Some survivors still question whether the abuser is at fault or if the way they were dressed or their behavior caused their assault. The bottom line is that the abuser made the decision to exploit someone who was powerless or didn’t consent to sex. The responsibility for the assault, therefore, lies solely with them. We survivors need to let ourselves off that hook.
Survivors of child abuse, sexual assault, and domestic violence harbor extremely high levels of shame. “This feeling of permanency of shame is just that, a feeling…not truth,” said therapist Sybil Cummin. “Shame can decrease and dissipate over time and with intention.” 1 She added that one can take control over the timeline of the process of shame reduction by practicing self-forgiveness. The less someone forgives herself, the more shame she feels. The more compassion she has for herself, the more her shame will decrease.
One of my Al-Anon readings on August 14th said, “It helps to keep in mind that getting better doesn’t always mean feeling better…I tell myself that just as thinking doesn’t make it so, neither does feeling make it so.” 2 Thoughts and feelings are not facts. We benefit from acknowledging them but not letting them define us. I try to remember that the focus of my attention determines the extent of my joy.
Cummin recommends noticing when thoughts or feelings of guilt or shame take over. When are you triggered into thinking you’re not good enough, or a lousy parent, or unworthy of a happy life? She suggests that we examine our thoughts with curiosity and compassion rather than with judgment. (Please consider reading “Strategies for Navigating Sexual Assault Triggers.”) What about a particular place or social gathering makes us feel vulnerable? What can I do to comfort myself?
Grounding ourselves in the present moment can relieve us of feelings of shame. Paying attention to where our feet are planted, what we can see, smell, and hear reminds us that we are adults, possess coping skills, and can use our voices to stand up for ourselves. Telling ourselves that we have made it through traumatic events and are creating healthy relationships is also empowering.
Psychiatrist Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as treating ourselves with the same kindness and care that we would offer a cherished friend. She says that neglecting self-compassion makes us vulnerable to self-criticism and emotional turmoil. 3 “Sometimes keeping our mouths shut is the most compassionate thing we can do,” said an Al-Anon friend this morning about judging others. But it made me think of insults I sometimes hurl aloud at myself. Turning off that faucet of self-criticism might save us from drowning in our own blistering judgment. All survivors did the best we could with what we knew at the time of our abuse. Eliminating self-punishment is a crucial step in our recovery.
Doctor Neff recommends that survivors give that younger version of ourselves some grace. To heal from abuse, we must forgive ourselves for the limited coping skills we had at that earlier time. She claims that in our relentless pursuit of perfection, we inadvertently undermine our mental health. Since perfection is a myth, we can admit that mistakes and setbacks are aspects of growth and consider what we learned.
Renn Wohr, a stress release specialist, recommends that sexual assault survivors engage in daily mindfulness and self-compassion exercises. She adds that we need to prioritize rest and make time for relaxation and self-care without guilt. 4 (For further ideas regarding self-care, please consider reading “A Dozen Ways to Pamper Yourself.”)
N. Z. Kaminsky wrote: “When your wounded parts are seen and loved by you, they grieve for a while over the lost years spent in the darkest corners of your subconscious mind. But then, they learn to trust you again. They come into the light of your compassion, your kindness, and with a renewed sense of purpose, joy, and unconditional love, they begin to create the most beautiful memories. They heal. They enrich your journey with the most unexpected ingredients of happiness, helping you rewrite your story.” (Please consider reading “How Writing Promotes Healing from Sexual Assault.”)
In a chapter about forgiveness in How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics, one statement particularly resonated with me: “Shame never liberated a single spirit.” 5 For those of us who want to be free of the weight of our abuse history, we must lay down the shame. Self-care and self-compassion are essential first steps in doing so.
The journey to self-forgiveness involves reclaiming your power and moving forward with resilience. We must release ourselves from self-blaming thoughts and be patient with ourselves. Making connections with supportive individuals who can share their experience, strength, and hope can fortify our commitment to recovery. Saprea, Incest Survivors Anonymous, RAINN, and other organizations provide a plethora of options for bolstering our efforts to heal.
If your self-criticism, shame, and emotional struggles persist, seek help from a trauma-informed therapist. But foremost, please recognize that you are worthy of healing, safety, peace, and a fulfilling life.
Cummin, S. (2022). An inverse relationship: shame and self-forgiveness. https://www.risingbeyondpc.com
Hope for Today. (2002). Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Virginia Beach, VA.
K. Neff, Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind (New York: William Morrow, 2015).
Wohr, R. (2023). The transformative power of self-compassion and self-care: a journey to healing. Linked in.
How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics (2022). Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Virginia Beach, VA.
