LESSONS FROM THE LAKE FOR INCEST SURVIVORS
I spent the July 4th weekend in several cabins with 20 members of my family. I’d left my laptop at home and had one bar on my phone. We swam, kayaked, and pushed one another off the Lily Pad. Did I mention burgers, brats, and homemade ice cream? As I breathed in fresh air and the beauty around me, I considered what nature might teach me.
Paddle close enough to see the lemon-yellow center of water lilies. The seaweed won’t trap your kayak or canoe, and the flowers pay beautiful dividends! Don’t be afraid to get to the heart of your rage, sense of betrayal, or sorrow about your sexual abuse. The perpetrator and others who didn’t believe or help you can’t tangle you up anymore. The only way out of trauma is through and the rewards of recovery work are many.
If something is hurting you, stop doing it. For over an hour I explored the lake in a plastic child’s kayak. The bones in my butt were killing me while my husband paddled along comfortably in an adult kayak with a mesh seat. Sometimes abuse survivors allow others to manipulate/exploit them or become sexually involved with people despite reservations about their character. We need to trust our gut feelings and be discerning about who we allow into our intimate space. (Please consider reading Are Sexual Assault Survivors Destined to Act Out Sexually?)
There’s more than one way to play a guitar. Over the long 90-degree-weekend, one son strummed chords and sang soft melodies on the porch. Later, a daughter-in-law picked Latin melodies in the respite of air conditioning. Both were pleasing to the ear and reflected different skill sets. It reminded me of various counseling styles I’ve encountered on my healing journey (an educational approach of the incest survivor group therapist and SAPREA retreat facilitators, a body awareness focus of EMDR and Somatic therapies). Try to be open-minded about the support you might need during your healing journey. (Learn more at Finding Your Strength: Effective Therapies for Incest Survivors.)
The waves won’t topple you. The speed limit for boats on the lake we visited is 10 mph, yet pontoons and motorboats still created a wake for swimmers and paddleboarders. Slicing right through the waves was the most effective way to handle them. The same is true in dealing with the turbulence caused by incest. When we’re triggered by someone’s touch, a tone of voice, or a story in the news, thinking or writing about how the trigger is related to our abuse can move us from anxiety to calm. We can ground ourselves in the present by pressing our feet onto the floor, focusing on our physical surroundings, deep breathing, and reminding ourselves that we’re safe, adults with choices and voices. (Related article: Writing a Letter to Your Sexual Perpetrator Has Therapeutic Value)
You don’t have to tell everyone. Especially when first deciding to disclose our abuse to others, it may rise up on many occasions. But not everyone we meet or have a relationship with will be a good listener or trustworthy with our history. Survivors need respectful allies, not folks prone to gossip or drama.
Learn from nature. Particularly on evening pontoon rides I observed gray herons perched on the bank. When we stopped so grandchildren could fish, those majestic birds stood motionless except for slight movement of their heads. Their patience and persistence eventually resulted in a tasty meal. Likewise, survivors must understand that recovery is a lengthy process, often requiring us to wait for the right moment to confront our abusers, to progress to a new therapy, or to pursue an intimate relationship. It’s not a race, but an individual path.
Try something new. When the 20-somethings in the family glided on paddleboards, it looked like such a smooth, fun ride. Some adults had trouble standing, repeatedly toppling into the water. Some started on their knees, graduating to a stand after figuring out how to balance. Many of us don’t want to be beginners or embarrass ourselves. But on our last day at the lake, I took a board into the shallow water and gave it a try. I fell a couple of times, but was soon paddling along smoothly, enjoying a novel recreational activity. We survivors have lived through difficult times yet are courageous and strong. We can decide when to take a risk and when we shouldn’t
Attend fireworks and s’mores roasts. There will be some thunderous booms and sticky messes, but the riots of color, sizzling sounds, and delectable tastes could be “corrective” experiences you may have missed during childhood. You might recapture the awe and spontaneity that was tamped down when you were victimized. Take in what’s comfortable. Wear earplugs or go inside when you’ve had enough but allow yourself glee whenever possible!
Work as a team. When we hand-cranked ice-cream, everybody had to turn the handle at least 100 times. Starting with the youngest (age 9), moving to the strongest (when the liquid was turning solid). I did my 200 cranks in the middle. We all had two bowls, and one grandson boasted of having four. Survivors need to remember that we’re not “apart” from others, but “a part” of a community striving for health and wholeness.
Every now and then, kick back and float. Just as swimmers need to rest, incest survivors must give ourselves a break from journaling, counseling, or reading about sexual abuse. Be aware of activities that are renewing and enjoyable to you. Set aside time to relax and be still. It may be listening to a certain genre of music, watching a movie, reading a novel, playing pickleball, spending a weekend alone at a hotel, or going out for a meal. Nurture yourself. You are unique. Worthy. Precious. (Consider reading: A Dozen Ways to Pamper Yourself)
I came home from the lake with a little poison ivy and a boatload of serenity. I pray that you’ll take time to engage with nature and be receptive to its lessons.
