Rediscovering Intimacy After Sexual Trauma
Survivors of sexual assault experience myriad feelings about subsequent intimate contact, with many factors playing a role. Their age at the time of the assault, the identity of the perpetrator, whether the victim reported or kept the incident a secret, history of a single or multiple abuses, the length of time since the assault, the presence or absence of therapy or participation in a survivor’s group, and the extent of one’s network of support. As a survivor of incest and two other assaults prior to age thirteen, I offer the following suggestions:
One needs time to heal from and to process the trauma (medical attention, if needed, self-care such as long baths, whirlpool or hot tub soaks {candles, plug-ins, soothing music, essential oils or lotions}, gentle massage, a doctor concluding that any physical injuries have healed and advising about birth control {if sought by the survivor})
Letting go of guilt and shame (through counseling, journaling, meditation, spiritual reading and/or practices)
Visualizing a pleasurable encounter, whether alone or with a partner. Depending on one’s comfort level with self-pleasuring, a survivor could massage her own calves, thighs, breasts in a 100% safe situation. This could be an indicator as to her ability to handle caressing. She may envision herself between flannel sheets or in a soaking tub with a partner. Pacing should be considered; can she imagine a five-minute or an hour-long encounter?
If the survivor desires intimacy with a partner, that individual should be aware of the assault and be respectful of her sensitivities. The two must agree that they will stop at any point during the encounter if the survivor becomes “triggered,” uneasy, or frightened. There will be no anger, pouting, snide comments, or repercussions if unable to engage until climax.
Partners may want to consider that foreplay can begin early in the day or early in the week of a planned rendezvous. Words of affirmation (unrelated to physical attributes) about your partner’s sense of humor, work ethic, creativity, generosity, unique talents, thoughtfulness, or devotion to family set a tone of gratitude and respect. Holding hands while watching TV or taking a walk, a kiss on the back of the neck while working at the computer, putting your arms around the waist of someone who is cooking or doing dishes are touches that can feel warm and non-sexual, yet may cause an anticipatory flutter in one’s belly.
Take an inventory of the touches you have found pleasurable in past positive intimate encounters or think of ones you’d like to try. Sitting on someone’s lap; massage of neck, back, legs, arms; soaking in a bath with your partner; taking a shower together; a back-or scalp scratch; a flurry of gentle kisses; deep, tongue-thrusting kisses; oral/genital contact; clitoral stimulation; intercourse. How vulnerable, modest, or bold do you feel?
Take an inventory of your intimacy boundaries. Whether related to the assault or purely preferences, contemplate touches, positions, language, or music that you find distasteful, “triggering,” or repugnant. Let your partner know.
Give feedback as you explore intimate activity anew. Express what you like, be kind, be supportive, and be assertive. You have every right to express your likes/dislikes, your turn-ons and turn-offs.
Thich Nhat Hanh, a Zen Buddhist monk translated Five Mindfulness Trainings from the Five Precepts offered by the Buddha. One pertains to sexual behavior: “Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. Seeing that body and mind are one, I am committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy and inclusiveness—which are the four basic elements of true love.”
In her UCC devotional on 09/23/20, Kaji Dousa cited Professor Margaret Farley, a Roman Catholic Sister of Mercy, from her book, Just Love. Sister Margaret wrote that all relationships, including sexual, should reflect Jesus’s teaching about loving God and neighbor. How do we know if our relationship reflects love?
Does the relationship cause harm?
Is each person in a position to fully consent? Do they?
Is the relationship mutual, or are the benefits (and risks) one-sided?
Are the people in the relationship equals? Do they have equal access to power and vulnerability?
Is there an equal understanding of commitment?
Does the relationship bear fruit beyond individual pursuits?
Are the people in the relationship in a position to take on the consequences of their union?
These spiritual giants have given us profound ideas to ponder. We have the intellect to choose our own paths. The majority of the human community has a strong desire for physical intimacy. Even following assault, rape, or gross exploitation, our bodies crave touch, being held, and the release of orgasm. I salute each person’s recovery and pray that every survivor contemplates her readiness for embracing, caressing, pleasuring, and making love.
