5 Things I Couldn’t Have Started Healing Without
Facing the truth: an unflinching examination of what I needed to heal fromIn 1980 I started working with a therapist and within thirty minutes, I disclosed that my brother had molested me from the time I was seven until I was ten years old. It was a secret I had repressed for fifteen years. Those months of individual counseling were beneficial but only scratched the surface of the wounds from which I suffered. Seven years later I went ballistic when my 5-year-old shook his butt in the face of his 2-year-old brother in the bathtub. It was obvious that I had deeper work to do.
A belief that I am a child of God and that God wants all of us to have abundant livesI’d been raised in a Methodist Church but had also attended a United Church of Christ for a couple of years. Both denominations stressed the New Testament concept that God loves every one of us and wants us to experience joy and fullness of life. When I remembered the misogyny in my family of origin—only males being deemed intelligent and worthy of position or status—I realized why my brother believed he could exploit and hurt me. The UCC was the first denomination to ordain women, African Americans, lesbians and gay men. My faith nudged me to the commitment that my household was going to have a different vibe than the one I was raised in, one that was nurturing, respectful, and egalitarian.
An incest survivor’s recovery groupCatholic Social Services in my community ran a 12-week group for incest survivors that offered safety, confidentiality, and structure which allowed participants to talk about the perpetrators, specifics of the sexual abuse, the influence of fathers and mothers, our feelings about the incest, why we didn’t tell or seek help when we were children, what we had needed from our parents but failed to get, and how the abuse affected our lives. The facilitator helped us to stop blaming ourselves, being ashamed, and being our own worst critics. She provided a 10-point declaration of self-esteem, and guidance for confronting our abusers. There was a list of 23 goals to accomplish and issues to resolve so we could contemplate which were most pertinent to us individually. The objective of the group was to begin the transformation from victim to survivor. Meetings were grueling, exhausting, and extremely empowering.
Determination that my children would be raised in a healthier environment than I wasMy over-reaction to my oldest son’s horseplay in the bathtub when he was five was one of many “residuals” of sexual abuse. I was hypervigilant, anxious, harbored rage that hovered just below the surface and was sometimes unleashed on people who didn’t deserve it (usually, my family, because I thought I could get away with it at home). I suffered from a low-grade, chronic depression and desperately wanted to “confront those dark shadows and villains...so they could be banished forever.” (Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C., The Right to Innocence)My work in the fields of social work and psychology helped me understand that I needed to remember the pain and anger of childhood sexual abuse to eventually be free of them. Discussing incest with other survivors opens a window for healing and can dispel the shame. The compassionate eyes and voices, the various perspectives and strategies of others provide a powerful network of support.
Permission to remember and release both pain and angerPlacing the responsibility on the perpetrator and confronting him or her (in reality, in a letter that may never be sent, or in a recording) are crucial and liberating. Beverly Engel said, “Rather than forgive and forget, you will be freed only if you remember and release both pain and anger.” Ellen Bass, co-author of The Courage to Heal, wrote, “The women with whom I’ve been privileged to work have felt the power of my fury and it has been a shelter, a spark, a breath of fresh air, a model, an exciting if scary possibility, an affirmation.” She added that one woman’s anger can clear the path for another.
“On the other side of generational trauma can be generational healing. We can decide to end painful cycles we’ve learned from family members…We can excavate forgotten family lessons while unlearning family dysfunction. We don’t get a say in our inheritance. But the emotional and spiritual inheritance that we leave behind? Well, that’s another story.” — Marcha`e Grair
If you are a survivor of sexual assault, I urge you to congratulate yourself for your strength and courage, to seek a community of support, and to forge toward the abundant life you were born to enjoy.
