HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’RE DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST
The day after my ex-husband showed up at our son’s home while I was babysitting one of our grandsons, he sent me a text:
When I’m around you, especially when we’re alone, I feel like a pedophile or recently paroled serial rapist. Like your conversation is very guarded…stay a good distance away..thinking how soon can I get away. My imagination? There is so much I want to talk with you about. Who else gives a crap about our history and memories—no one!!! There is never a day goes by I don’t think about our family life together. Sometimes I ruminate and sometimes just a fleeting thought. But every day. Sometimes I wish we had several days alone together to just relax and talk. My life went south the day you left, and I’ve never recovered.
It had been sixteen years since I divorced him due to the seven-year affair or entanglement he’d had with a coworker (with whom he still lives). My gut response to the text was to assure my ex that I don’t view him as a criminal, to tell him that I’m thankful for the good twenty years and three children we had, to remind him that I’m happily remarried and fiercely guard that relationship. In a nutshell, I wanted to be the empathic social worker and psychologist I’d been trained to be. Thankfully, the spiritual practices of my faith and Al-Anon guided me to wait, pray about it, and talk it over with people I trust. My sister reminded me that maintaining boundaries is not the same as being mean. My husband said the text confirmed his suspicions about my ex and was angry that he’d come over when I was with our grandson.
In the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined as comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least five of the following criteria:
has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
requires excessive admiration
has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
People with NPD typically have low self-esteem, require excessive attention and admiration, and tend to fish for compliments. If they are not catered to or their work is not recognized as exceptional, they are bewildered or angry. Their friendships and romantic relationships are formed on the basis of what others can do for them. In answer to a Quora question about the kind of person a Narcissist would avoid, Kate Fess, a self-identified “covert Narcissist,” said she avoids “pretty much anyone I don’t want anything from. Another type I avoid are ones who are always asserting their boundaries. If I hear the word ‘no’ too often, I get discouraged and move on.”
Narcissists tend to talk about their interests and concerns in detail but fail to recognize others’ concerns, needs, and feelings. They are often aloof and have little, if any, capacity for reciprocity while being overly sensitive to criticism or losing in any endeavor.
According to Randi Kreger, co-author of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, most narcissists are filled with shame, which causes them to wear a mask of entitlement, specialness, and superiority. They are incapable of generating self-esteem, so they rely on others to do it for them. They seek out “narcissistic supply” in the form of attention, admiration, and getting more than anybody else. They use secondary sources, such as affairs, when their supply is not met by their spouse or partner.
Elinor Greenberg, psychologist, author, lecturer, and consultant on narcissistic disorders, compares persons with NPD to a car with a leaky fuel tank. Self-esteem, the fuel, decreases as the individual’s day wears on, so he (50-75% of narcissists are male) continually looks for sources of praise, admiration, or opportunities to out-shine others. They avoid anything that diminishes their self-esteem, such as criticism, being ignored, devalued, or disregarded. These experiences result in self-hating depression which may result in their sinking into a pit of emotional mud and the need to find new sources of fuel. Narcissists see every “car” (person) on the road as competing for fuel. They don’t consider other’s needs and could not care less about anyone else’s well-being.
The only “cars” the narcissist seeks out, Greenberg says, are “gorgeous, expensive vehicles that seem to have their own inner gas stations that provide a continuous supply of self-esteem” (and are willing share it). Narcissists keep their eyes peeled for fuel thieves and defend their self-esteem against anything that might decrease their supply (such as competitors, anybody who ignores, criticizes, or disagrees with them).
Bree Bonchay, a licensed clinical social worker, seems to support Greenberg’s assessment of narcissists and gives this advice: “Accept that the narcissist is what he/she is. They are totally incapable of love and deep connection. Nothing you did or didn’t do would have changed the outcome. You were not loved for you as a person. You were viewed as an object and loved for your utility (emphasis mine), not for your individuality. You were used for the perks you were able to provide. You were their human helium tank that maintained their inflated view of themselves.”
So, how do you disengage from a narcissist?
State clear boundaries, then maintain them (such as my reply 4 days after receiving the message from my ex):
Your text was disturbing, and I’ve thought long and hard, prayed, and talked to my sister and husband about it. Yes, I keep a distance between us, not because I see you as a criminal but a person who lacks boundaries. We are no longer family and have no business spending time together. Your text confirmed my husband’s suspicions of you. We won’t be celebrating the grandsons’ birthdays this month with you or any gatherings (except for weddings or graduations). My energy and support are due to my husband, my kids, and grandchildren.
Accept the fact that the narcissist in your life uses you only for his or her own needs. This is essential, will accelerate your healing, and set you free.
Do not allow the narcissist to control you; he or she will move on to someone who is easier to manipulate.
Confront the narcissist when he or she crosses a boundary, specify the unacceptable behavior, and challenge him or her to own up to the mistake.
Manage your proximity and availability. Respond to texts, emails, and calls in a way that keeps you in charge, or don’t respond at all.
Educate yourself about narcissism and avoid becoming involved with individuals who view and treat you as a commodity to be used, possibly to abuse, and, most likely, eventually to be devalued and discarded.
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition. Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association. 2015.
Eddy, Bill and Kreger, Randi. Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Oakland: New Harbinger Publications. 2011.
Greenberg, Elinor. Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptation, The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety. Createspace Independent Publishing Platform. 2016.
