Are Sexual Assault Survivors Destined to Act-Out Sexually?
Are survivors of child sexual assault destined for sexual acting-out or a succession of failed romantic relationships? A woman I grew up with was molested by a cousin at age ten and gave birth to her first child at fifteen. She has been married six times, to the chagrin of her eldest son who refuses to have contact with her or to allow her to visit with his children.
As a former social worker and school psychologist, I’m aware that children with a history of sexual abuse are seven times more likely to be sexually assaulted (revictimized) than those who were not abused. Their behavior is often described as provocative and their ability to guard personal space is usually compromised.
“Child sexual abuse violates one’s physical and psychic boundaries, leaving a child feeling powerless and vulnerable,” writes a therapist with New York Pathways.1 Among the effects of such trauma are poor impulse control, overly porous boundaries characterized by sexual acting-out (the goal of which is to avoid uncomfortable feelings), or overly rigid limits that result in sexual acting-in (the avoidance of sexual behavior). The author stated that the root of her clients’ sexual acting-out was the traumatic wound they had suffered as children. Some counselors believe that the child’s psycho-sexual development is arrested at the point at which she or he was sexually exploited. This clearly interferes with the healthy development of intimate relationships.
I have worked with high school survivors of sexual assault who confessed to an inability to be faithful to their steady boyfriends. Although they professed strong feelings for their partners, the extra attention, and forbidden nature of “hooking up” with other guys was more temptation than they could resist. Similarly, in a study of nearly 400 college women, one researcher found that child sexual abuse was associated with coeds describing themselves as “promiscuous.”2
In one study, O’Callaghan and colleagues interviewed forty-five sexual assault survivors and their significant others. They discovered an increase in high-risk sexual behavior and a higher number of sexual partners than persons with no history of sexual abuse. Survivors cited numerous reasons for their increased sexual activity. Among them were an effort to take control of their sexuality and bodily autonomy, a way to feel loved (that they would not feel without having sex), and an effort to numb themselves from or escape earlier trauma.3
A recent literature review designed to examine the link between child sexual abuse and compulsive sexual behavior found that many assault survivors have difficulty controlling their intense sexual impulses. Results of twenty-one studies suggested that masturbation, the use of pornography, and sexual encounters with multiple anonymous partners interfered with survivors’ personal, interpersonal, and/or vocational pursuits.4 While only 3-6% of adults in the US voice distress about controlling their sexual urges, nearly 15% of survivors (a higher percentage of female than male) expressed such concerns. Furthermore, those studies indicate that between 39 and 58% of men in treatment for sexual addiction and between 63 and 76% of women in such treatment reported child sexual abuse, seeming to confirm the relationship between early abuse and risky sexual behavior.
The New York Pathways article suggests that the hallmark of sexual addiction is continued acting-out in spite of negative consequences. A survivor I know well, after dissolving a 25-year marriage and a year of celibacy, met someone online. Although the man’s profile was appealing, his irritable demeanor on the phone felt like a red flag. Going against her gut feeling, however, she met him in a restaurant, then accompanied him to his apartment. After having sex on their first date, she was diagnosed with a bacterial infection (STD). The shame and self-loathing she felt didn’t prevent her from visiting a fellow traveler in his stateroom on a cruise six weeks later. Within an hour of that intimate encounter, she was filled with remorse and vomited. When she arrived home, she sought counseling to address her lack of judgment and impulse control. O’Callaghan and colleagues found that taking back control of their bodies and getting past feeling addicted to sex was tied to survivors’ recovery and the use of positive coping skills.
Research suggests that the fall-out from childhood sexual assault ranges from survivors avoiding sex altogether, to viewing it as an obligation to get over with quickly, to promiscuity, to full-blown sexual addiction. How tragic that the gratification of a teenage or adult perpetrator leaves such a scar on the sexual trajectory of the victim. Robbed of their innocence as children, many survivors are subsequently robbed of the healthy expression of intimacy and love as adults.
Can survivors hope for committed, gratifying intimate relationships?
Absolutely! The following recommendations were derived from my participation in individual and group counseling, the National Child Assault Prevention Project, and from the authors cited within this blog.
Seek therapy or a 12-Step program if your sexual behavior causes you distress or interferes with your interpersonal or work goals.
Strive for open communication with your partner before, during, and after sexual activity.
If you have experienced flashbacks, recognize your triggers, and learn coping strategies for dealing with them.
Learn how to have positive, consensual sexual experiences.
Learn how to communicate your needs and wants with your sexual partner(s).
If you don’t think you understand what a good sexual experience looks like, speak to a counselor who can help.
Communicate your sexual boundaries to potential partners.
Participating in advocacy movements such as #MeToo or child assault prevention efforts can empower you and help you cope with the crime that was committed against you.
Seek social support from a family member, friend, romantic partner, or a survivor’s group.
Have compassion for the child that you once were. Treat that child with loving kindness rather than contemptuous disdain for his or her weakness and vulnerability. Know that you were not responsible for the abuse, that you did the best you could at the time.
1. Sexual acting out as a response to childhood trauma. New York Pathways, Treatment for sexual addiction and betrayal trauma.
2. Fromuth, ME. (1986). The relationship of childhood sexual abuse with later psychological and sexual adjustment in a sample of college women. Child Abuse & Neglect, 10 (1), p 5-15.
3. O’Callaghan, E. et al. (2019). Navigating sex and sexuality after sexual assault: a qualitative study of survivors and informal support providers. The Journal of Sex Research, 56 (8), p 1045-1057.
4. Slavin, M, et al. (2020). Child sexual abuse and compulsive sexual behavior: a systematic literature review. Current Addiction Reports, 7, (1), p 76-88.
