Why Survivors of Sexual Assault Benefit From Accepting Help From Others
Did you ever over-schedule yourself and panic that you couldn’t meet your obligations, but refuse to ask for or accept help from others? Are you nodding and thinking, nearly every month? With the holidays around the corner, my husband gently reminded me not to accept any new commitments until the first of the year. I used to bristle at that kind of suggestion, but I’ve learned to be receptive to advice and assistance from others.
Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., writes that although we want family and friends to care for us and be sensitive to our needs, we’re often uncomfortable receiving that care. She says that if we didn’t receive consistent, quality care from our parents or attachment figures in our earliest years, “it can feel painful or confusing to accept this from others throughout our lives.”1 I would add that for those of us who were molested as children and didn’t seek the help of a trusted adult, we have a history of trying to manage everything on our own.
Many survivors struggle with perfectionism and don’t want to admit that we can’t do it all ourselves. Firestone has found that shame is triggered in some individuals when they recognize that they need something from another. When singer Lady Gaga talked about being sexually assaulted at age nineteen, she said that “shame is the most damaging aspect of any sexual violation and is the number one risk factor for being revictimized later in life…There is a feeling of being invaded, defiled, and the indignity of being helpless in the eyes of another person.” Most survivors are determined to never again be helpless.
Chloe` Flowers writes, “To ask for love and help can make us feel needy and weak. I never saw my mother ask for assistance with what she needed, she just got it done. We want to appear as strong and independent as we possibly can. There has to be zero shame around asking for help, especially if we are constantly giving it. I learned to be still and listen to my inner voice.”2
We need to be discerning about the messages we heed from our inner voice, however. Firestone knows people whose inner critics say, “I don’t need any help” or “You shouldn’t lean on other people.” Taking a brief inventory of how we have reached out kindly to or assisted others in the past could be one way of cutting ourselves some slack when someone offers us help.
High anxiety, hypervigilance, lack of self-confidence, and feelings of being overwhelmed are often experienced by assault survivors. It would behoove us to identify people we trust who validate our feelings, affirm our strengths, and view us as courageous. Accepting their support and help can keep us on the path of recovery. We would be wise to avoid those who see us only as victims; they can derail our healing. I recently heard a survivor say that “feeling like a victim is the ultimate disempowering feeling.” We survivors should choose when, where, and with whom to talk about our needs and set limits by only disclosing information that feels safe to reveal.3
Over the years I have found participating in incest survivors’ and Adult Child of Alcoholics groups extremely therapeutic. Support groups make it clear that we are not alone and that the assault was not our fault. They also provide activities and information on how to cope with challenges and further our recovery. I have recently learned about Survivors of Incest Anonymous, a 12-step spiritual program with the mission of empowering those who have survived childhood sexual abuse and want to become thrivers. SIA hosts forty-eight weekly meetings (in person, online, and by phone), primarily in the US.
Research shows that social support plays a critical role in healing from sexual violence. It serves as a protective factor, lessening the likelihood that survivors will experience depression, low self-esteem, and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).4
Friends and family may see us trying to do it all without breaking a sweat. But they may also notice our irritability, frequent crying, the gray bags under our eyes, over-eating, or increased use of drugs or alcohol. We may lose interest in favorite activities, complain about not getting a decent night’s sleep, or consistently decline their invitations to go out or even to take a walk. They have probably asked how they can help or even encouraged us to seek counseling.5
If you’re anything like I used to be, you’ll deny that you’re over-extended or stressed out. Instead of maintaining that titan mask, how about taking a deep honest breath, and accepting the concern of loved ones? If they offer to take a task off your to-do list, let them. Tara Bohley, associate professor (University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill’s Mental First Aid) advises that if a friend says, “I noticed that you seem to be struggling more than before and I’m not sure I can help you with that but want to help you get help,” let your body drink in that care, and figure out the next step together.6
Firestone claims that to get better at accepting help, we must stop seeing it as selfish, but rather as a healthy way to respond to others and to enrich our relationships. “The art of giving is crucial to our happiness, but our generosity doesn’t end with giving; it also means challenging ourselves to be gracious in what we accept. When we allow people to be kind to us, we feel closer to them, and they feel closer to us. This deepens our connection to that person and creates a stronger mutual support system, in which the give and take can feel natural and equal.”
As we approach the holidays and anticipate a new year, perhaps we can develop a positive attitude about asking for and accepting help from those in our support network. Chloe` Flowers says that once we do it and see how easy it is, we can release the idea that others will judge us. May the reciprocity of giving and receiving help become more comfortable for us in 2022!
1 Firestone, Lisa (2021) How to let people help you, Psychology Today
2 Flowers, Chloe` (2021) Reflections on how to ask for help and accepting help from others, blog
3 Spahr Nelson, Terri (2000) Coping with sexual assault, The Aurora Center for Advocacy and Education Sexual Assault information packet, and Becoming whole again—healing from sexual assault, the University of TX at Austin Counseling and Mental Health Center
4 Leech, T.J., & Littlefield, M. (2011). Social support and resilience in the aftermath of sexual assault: suggestions across life course, gender, and racial groups. In T. Bryant-Davis (Ed.), Surviving sexual violence: A guide to recovery and empowerment (pp. 296-317). Lanham, M.D.: Rowman & Littlefield.
5 Gordon, Sherry (2020) How to support a victim of sexual assault, verywellmind blog
6 Pequeno, Sara (2021) How to check on a friend, The Raleigh News & Observer
Photo by Josh Appel
