When and If to Confront an Incest or Child Sexual Abuser: Risks, Benefits, and How to Stay Safe
Photo by Abhay Singh on Unsplash
Nearly every survivor of sexual abuse considers calling out the person who hurt them or asking why they chose to exploit another human being. Maybe it strikes when you’ve built enough distance from the worst of the pain. Maybe it’s after years of therapy, or shortly after you begin counseling. For me, a survivor of incest perpetrated by my older brother, it was when I was thirty-one and my sons were five and two. They were in the bathtub, and I overreacted to the older one shaking his butt in his little brother’s face.
I had pursued therapy before having children but recognized I had more work to do. The facilitator of an incest survivors’ group I joined recommended that all participants write a letter to our perpetrators. We could burn it, mail it, or hand it to the abuser. Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk says, “Brain and body are programmed to run for home, where safety can be restored and stress hormones can come to rest.” 1
So, I invited my brother to take a drive and confronted him during a visit to our mother (and the house in which the assaults occurred). He admitted the abuse and apologized, which was a relief. Reclaiming my voice was one element of my recovery journey. Yet I felt frustrated that he didn’t explain why he molested me or whether he had been sexually exploited.
Confronting your abuser is a personal choice and not necessary for healing. But here’s the heart of the matter: confrontation is not inherently healing, and for many survivors, it can carry risks, emotional, psychological, physical, and even legal. What matters most is not whether you confront, but how you do it, if at all, and with whom you prepare.
When Confrontation Is Not Recommended
If the alleged abuser is:
manipulative, volatile, or has a history of denial and gaslighting (claiming you’re mentally unstable)
likely to deny, minimize, or react with anger or violence,
then direct confrontation without structured support can retraumatize you. 2
When Confrontation Might Be Considered
Survivors sometimes articulate reasons for wanting to confront an abuser, including:
reclaiming power and voice (telling your abuser how you felt then and how you feel now)
expressing truths that were never heard (secrecy prevails in most sexual abuse cases)
setting emotional or relational boundaries, establishing a healthy relationship with abuser
seeking to unburden yourself, or closure on terms you define
seeking support
seeking justice
Some small qualitative studies—like those explored in survivor communities and shared by trauma support organizations—suggest that individuals who choose to communicate with their abuser sometimes report increases in assertiveness and self-esteem. However, these are subjective accounts and do not mean confrontation is safe for everyone. 3
The Central Imperative: Safety First
Whether you remain silent, write a letter, or speak in person, the priority must be your physical and psychological safety. Approaching someone who harmed you can trigger emotional flashbacks, shame, panic, and retraumatization if not planned with skillful support.
Why Therapy Matters Before Any Contact
Before even considering notification of an abuser—whether it is by phone, letter, or face-to-face—working with a qualified therapist matters for three reasons:
Assessment of Readiness
A therapist can help you evaluate whether confrontation will support your healing or pose a risk of worsening trauma symptoms.Safety Planning
Confrontation often evokes intense emotional reactions from both parties. A therapist trained in trauma-informed care helps create a plan that prioritizes your well-being at every stage. (Trauma-informed frameworks emphasize safety, choice, and empowerment as core principles.)Clarifying Goals and Boundaries
Often the goal isn’t to “get answers” but to articulate your truth in a way that doesn’t compromise your healing. Processing your motivations with a therapist helps move you from impulse to plan.
Therapists may use practices rooted in trauma-informed care to help survivors explore the meaning of confrontation, representation of risk, and alternatives that preserve agency without re-exposure to harm. 4
If you decide to confront your abuser, make a list of what you want to say, then practice with a trusted friend or your therapist, keeping in mind how you want the conversation to go. Notify your abuser to prepare him/her for the meeting. Select a safe place and a support person to accompany you (to be a witness and perhaps act as a mediator). If you want your abuser to remain silent until you finish speaking, say so in the beginning.
Be prepared for the abuser to defend him/herself and/or to minimize the abuse. If that happens, calmly explain the abuse in more detail, clarifying how it made you feel and how it has impacted your life. Realize you may leave the meeting feeling as if you accomplished nothing. 5
Potential Risks to Keep in Mind
Re‐traumatization: Confronting an abuser can bring back intense memories and emotional pain.
Manipulation & Denial: Abusers may deny, dismiss, or twist your experience.
Safety Issues: Speaking to abusers without safety planning could put you at risk, especially if they react unpredictably.
Alternatives to Direct Confrontation
If speaking directly to your abuser feels unsafe, consider:
Writing a letter that will remain unsent (a common therapeutic tool)
Journaling your feelings and truths during or after therapy sessions
Engaging in structured forgiveness work (please consider reading my earlier blog, “Forgiving Your Abuser Following Sexual Assault”)
Advocating for accountability through legal or institutional routes (if appropriate and safe to do so).
Each path honors your experience without requiring you to step into harm’s way. 6
Final Thought: You Decide—With Support
There’s no universal answer to when or if you should confront the perpetrator. What is universal: your safety, agency, and healing matter above all else. Before any contact with someone who abused you as a child, ground yourself in a safety plan, trauma-informed support, and trusted therapeutic guidance.
You deserve healing on your own terms, not something defined by fear, impulse, or pressure. Trust the process that places your wellbeing at the center. And know that you were not at fault for the abuse and deserve a healthy, serene life.
I would love to hear from readers about what struck you about self-care in this article. Please comment or email me at lareinecke11@gmail.com.
You may also be interested in my earlier blog, “Confronting the Perpetrator of Child Sexual Assault,” or my memoir, “Peeling Away the Facade: The Long Shadow of Child Abuse.”
B. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (New York: Penguin, 2014).
Canosa et. al., (2025) Practices and responses that help or hinder disclosures of child sexual abuse: perspectives from victim survivors and practitioners. Child Abuse and Neglect, 169 (part 1), Article 107633.
McPherson et. al., (2025) What helps children and young people to disclose their experience of sexual abuse and what gets in the way. Child and Youth Care Forum, 54, 515-544.
Trauma-informed care. (2025). Wikipedia (with principles drawn from SAMHSA and trauma practice literature). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/trauma-informed care.
First Step - Approaching your abuser. (2026). Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse (HAVOCA).
CDC & SAMHSA Trauma-Informed Care Frameworks.
