HOW WRITING PROMOTES HEALING FROM SEXUAL ASSAULT

When I retired from a 37-year career in social work and psychology in 2015, I wanted to spend more time writing. I attended the Erma Bombeck Writing Workshop in 2016, meeting many best-selling authors, and hundreds of other writers. This propelled me into my memoir about child sexual assault and its impact on my life. Feelings of shame and being damaged resulted in perfectionism, hypervigilance, fear of abandonment, and accepting disrespectful behavior in relationships.

Since being a teenager, I have found comfort and clarity in journaling and am a keeper of cards, letters, and emails. So, when I began meeting with a writing group of women, the abuses of my childhood and similar ones that occurred in my 26-year marriage practically leaped onto the page. They weren’t neat or chronological but were empowering and therapeutic. Over a period of five years, my memoir emerged and was indie published. My editor was working on a clinical psychologist’s book about anxiety and depression, and he and I read and wrote blurbs for each other’s books. Of my memoir, Dr. Richard Silvestri said, “Truly an exceptional book. A professional psychologist, Reinecke offers insights into the struggles that confront and often paralyze survivors of child assault. A must read for those who suffer from abuse or counsel those who have been abused.”1

Because my life has also been affected by alcoholism, I’ve attended Al-Anon meetings for fourteen years. One of the first things I heard there was that we don’t have to accept unacceptable behavior such as violence or abuse. Another member shared that the one person she regularly accepted unacceptable behavior from was herself: blaming herself when things went wrong, calling herself mean names, telling herself things she’d never say to a friend. She realized that until she treated herself like a valued friend, she’d stand in the way of her own recovery. She learned that when she treated herself with love and approval, she was progressing in her recovery. 2

When I was finishing my memoir, I came across a couple of great quotes on Facebook. The first was: “Be kind to past versions of yourself that didn’t know the things you know now.” The second was: “Have compassion for the child you once were. Treat that child with lovingkindness rather than contemptuous disdain for her weakness and vulnerability. Know that you were not responsible for the abuse, that you did the best you could at the time.” These bits of wisdom helped me understand that I’m strong, courageous, and the writer of my own future.

D. M. Lawson, in an article about therapy with incest survivors, discussed the importance of enhancing their self-worth through cultivating creativity, achieving goals, community-building, and the capacity to experience pleasure. 3 We survivors must take an inventory of our assets and routinely acknowledge them. We must pursue our goals, connect with safe people, and schedule time for fun. It’s not frivolous, but an essential part of a balanced life.

As another Al-Anon friend journaled and talked about her painful memories, some family members suggested she stop her excessive reflection and let bygones be bygones. But as long as she hid from the emotional realities of her history, its unresolved poisons seeped into each new day. To live fully in the present, we must come to terms with our past. When we’re honest about it, awful events become a smaller part of who we are. Denial is broken when we stop hoping for a better past, accept the reality of that past, and set about creating a different present. (Read more about coping with past abuse here.)

In Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho’s The Book of Forgiving, they wrote, “When we give voice to our hurt, it loses its stranglehold on our lives and identities. It stops being the central character in our stories.” 4 And in her book, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, Lysa Terkeurst said, “The completely delightful, beautiful, fun, and brilliant way God made you must not be tainted by someone who lost their way. The lies they wrongly believed and tried to put on you must not become a burden you carry or a script you repeat.” 5

(To read more on the power of forgiveness, consider my blog. . .)

I was fortunate to attend a free four-day saprea retreat in 2022 where we learned that the first step in releasing ourselves from the grasp of sexual assault is breaking the isolation, to bring it into the light by sharing with others who understand. The ability to heal is greatly accelerated when trauma survivors can draw upon the strength, care, and support of others.

Every survivor at that retreat selected a beautiful bowl from a China cabinet, then was told to break it into pieces. We were then taught how to repair it with the kintsugi method. We put the pieces back together with lacquer resin mixed with gold. Kintsugi translates to “golden joinery,” and reflects the Japanese philosophy that the value of an object isn’t in its beauty, but in its imperfections. The imperfections are something to celebrate, not hide. We had opportunities to draw, make a collage, and take part in martial arts and yoga at the retreat, as well. Each activity amped up our empowerment, boosted our hope.

I’d like to encourage every survivor of sexual assault to explore creative projects—writing, sketching, making music, painting, multi-media endeavors—even when facing your most challenging days. Keep expressing yourselves in whatever modality fits you as you continue your recovery journey. There will always be someone who identifies with you and appreciates your progress.

Serena Williams said, “The success of every woman should be the inspiration to another. We should raise each other up.” In the novel Dear Edward, a tarot-card reader tells the sole survivor of a plane crash that he should “do what we all must do: take stock of who we are, and what we have, and then use it for good.” 6 And finally, another Facebook quote said, “One day you will tell your story of how you’ve overcome what you’re going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.” This is the motive for my memoir and blog. We can share our losses and triumphs and encourage each other. May the collective support of survivors catapult us into the lives we were born to enjoy!

1 Racine, Jill, and Silvestri, Richard. From Misery to Mastery: A Revolutionary New Treatment for Anxiety and Depression. Bandon: Robert Reed Publishers, 2021.

2 Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Courage to Change. Virginia: 1992.

3 Lawson, D. L. 2017. Treating adults with complex trauma: an evidence-based case study. Journal of Counseling & Development, 95, 288-297.

4 Tutu, Desmond, and Tutu, Mpho. The Book of Forgiving. New York: Harper/Collins, 2014.

5 Terkeurst, Lysa. Forgiving What You Can’t Forget. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2020.

6 Napolitano, Ann. Dear Edward. New York: The Dial Press, 2020.