How Childhood Incest Affects Parenting
One night when my two- and five-year-old sons were splashing and squealing in the bath, the older one stood up and shook his sudsy butt in his little brother’s face. I went berserk—grabbed him by the arms, slammed his hip into the side of the tub, then into a sitting position. Yelling something about never shoving your private places into anyone else’s space, still gripping his arms, my face two inches from his. This innocent horseplay had triggered memories of my brother’s abuse. My overreaction resulted in a confusing, abusive scene.
Five years later, a study was conducted to examine the impact of father-daughter incest on the self-reported parenting experience and practices of adult survivors. These women reported less confidence and sense of control as parents than mothers whose fathers were either alcoholic or presented no risk factors. The incest survivors received less support in the parental relationship with their spouses, were less consistent in their discipline, and less organized than the women who had not been abused. Furthermore, survivors’ feelings of being overwhelmed seemed to interfere with their ability to allow their children to develop autonomy. 1
Daryl O’Brien, ten years after my family’s tub incident, studied the parenting styles of incest survivors for his dissertation at the University of Maryland. Those mothers recognized what they did not want in their parenting but lacked healthy role models to emulate. They wanted to be better parents than their own had been, but tended to operate from a “deficit model,” in which they lacked knowledge and/or skills and focused more on their needs than on those of their children. 2 In daily parenting situations, they had difficulty achieving their desires and were often frustrated.
The care of preschool children requires close physical contact—diaper-changing, baths, contact comfort, and for those who choose it, breastfeeding. “Navigating the intimate physicality of parenting young children can be difficult for sexual abuse survivors,” says the writer of a Mama Bear Effect blog. 3 These encounters can bring out irrational fears about harming our children or a paranoia that someone else might victimize them. As children enter school and are invited to birthday parties or sleepovers, survivors may be overcome with anxiety about the possibility of abuse. Most parents understand, however, that our kids need and benefit from increased independence, and that it’s a privilege to be invited to go on vacation with another family. Parents can suffer crippling ambivalence about allowing our growing children more freedom.
In order to learn more about the impact of incest on parenting, psychology students at the University of Georgia and the University of Washington studied a sample of seventeen incest survivors and eighteen non-abused women and their three-to-six-year-old children. All mothers completed questionnaires about their parenting skills, measures of parental bonding, and their own psychological adjustment. The mother-child pairs were subsequently observed while working on puzzles. 4
Despite the incest survivors’ self-reports of poorer parenting efficacy than mothers who had not suffered abuse, their interaction skills with their children were positive and comparable to those of non-abused mothers. The incest survivors exhibited moderate to high levels of support, assistance, and confidence, and their children showed high levels of affection toward their mothers.
Survivors reported less bonding with their own mothers and poorer psychological adjustment (chronic anxiety and/or depression) than mothers who had not been abused as children. Study results revealed that incest history did not predict mothers’ actual parenting behaviors or the children’s behavior observed during mother-child interactions. In the realm of confidence, mothers in both groups approached their children in a direct manner and appeared self-assured in their interactions. With regard to support and assistance, all mothers’ presence seemed to facilitate each child’s comfort level, understanding of the task, and enjoyment, while allowing sufficient space for independent discovery and learning.
Authors of the study believed one possible explanation for the discrepancy between survivors’ low opinion of their parenting and positive interactional styles with their children was the mothers’ holding unrealistically high expectations for themselves as parents, perhaps due to fears of being bad mothers or of not providing adequate protection to their children. Hence, while motivated to develop and use good parenting skills, they may rarely have felt satisfied with their efforts. They may also have had unrealistic or developmentally inappropriate expectations of child behavior. When survivors’ children didn’t behave according to their expectations, the mothers may have faulted themselves and felt ineffective.
A second possible explanation for the incongruence between the survivors’ perceptions of their parenting and observed behaviors may have been related to therapy; half were receiving counseling at the time of the study. This might have had a corrective influence on their parenting skills. That notion is supported by trends of higher self-esteem, competency, and involvement in parenting perceived by incest survivors after engaging in counseling to address their own abuse issues.
Incest and other child sexual assault has long been associated with overprotective parenting and difficulty with intimate parent contact with children. In a systematic review of 108 studies investigating the association between CSA and maternal parenting, C. L. Brittany and colleagues found that the most common theme was the mother’s desire to protect her children from abusive experiences and her actions taken toward that goal. 5 Below is the summary of their findings:
65% of survivors tended to mistrust people, experienced anxiety that their children would be molested, and had a fierce resolve to prevent such abuse. They educated their children about appropriate touch, personal safety, and whom to tell if touched inappropriately. Many mothers disclosed their own abuse as an example of behavior to watch out for.
45% reported that their children had been sexually abused (nearly double the national average). Some survivors immediately believed their children and took legal action to protect them. Some disbelieved, questioning whether the physical contact was abusive. Some children recanted, some mothers believed the accused perpetrator’s denial, and some concluded that their child was seeking attention via the accusation.
38% of the survivors discussed concerns with their children about the potential for certain individuals to be abusive and limited contact with those people. Many survivors delayed contact between new partners and their children and questioned their children intermittently about whether any inappropriate advances had been made.
27% of survivors described themselves as overprotective, controlling, or hypervigilant.
26% reported having difficulty bonding with their children.
25% of survivors tried to parent by doing the opposite of what their parents had done.
24% reported having abused their children physically, emotionally, or sexually, often precipitated by anger, frustration, stress, or loss of control.
23% of survivors reported an inability to care for their children (citing mental or physical illness, substance abuse, physical abuse, inability to provide a stable environment, neglect, a prison sentence, or a violent partner) and voluntarily gave up custody.
17% allowed direct contact between their own abuser and their children, claiming that they didn’t want to hurt the perpetrator’s (family member) feelings, or were in denial that the abuse could re-occur.
12% of survivors admitted to interacting with their child like a close friend/primary companion and relied on them for emotional caretaking.
In reviewing the residual effects of child sexual abuse on parenting, attorneys at ADZ Law cited many of the above behaviors, but also noted that some survivors become too permissive with their children or develop an unhealthy attachment to them. They asserted that healthy attachment between parent and child is nurturing, that the mother is tuned in to her child’s needs, encourages the child’s development, is emotionally available, and is mentally alert. They cautioned that when a parent becomes distant, hostile, withdrawn, or overly focused on herself, it can negatively affect a child’s neurological development, emotional attachments, and social health throughout a lifetime. 6
The following suggestions from ADZ Law, The Mama Bear Effect, and my own journey as a survivor, social worker, and school psychologist may assist you in your quest to be the most effective parent you can be:
The best way for survivors to help their own children is to carefully attend to their own healing. By working with a trauma informed therapist and/or a support group, you can recognize and address trauma before it negatively impacts your parenting.
If you lack confidence in your parenting skills, participate in a parent training program. A guidance counselor or school psychologist in your school district may know of a local resource, or you can look online (for example, https://childmind.org, https://www.healthyplace.com, https://strengtheningfamiliesprogram.org).
If you feel triggered by your child’s behavior or an event you witness, ground yourself in the present moment. Remind yourself that you are an adult, that you are safe, and that you have resources to help you cope with any issues which arise.
When you feel overwhelmed with the challenges of parenting, call a support person, someone you trust, who is aware of your abuse history. That person will be able to respond calmly and with empathy.
Have personal safety discussions with your children from the time they are in diapers until they leave the safety of your home. Tell them that zones covered by their bathing suits are private and that nobody is to touch them there without their permission. Teach them that they get to decide who hugs, kisses, or touches them. Teach them that it’s okay to say “no” to an adult who makes them feel uncomfortable or asks them to keep a secret. There are excellent books for children of every age that serve as intermittent reminders of how to maintain personal boundaries.
Encourage your children to listen to their gut feelings, to the “uh-oh” feeling that tells them something isn’t right or safe. Advise them to tell you, a teacher, or another adult they trust when something uncomfortable happens to them. The key is to talk about boundaries early and often, so exploitation is less likely to occur. Talk calmly and casually, just as you would about safely crossing the street or wearing bike helmets.
Talk to your children about consent. Saprea has excellent videos and materials about this topic. For children twelve and over, the “Tea” YouTube is outstanding.
Do not allow your children unsupervised contact with anyone who has been suspected of sexually exploiting another person, even if it is a family member.
Find a physical activity that helps you release tension: yoga, a brisk walk, deep breathing, running, Muay Thai, Tai Chi, kickboxing. When survivors are triggered, stress responses get stuck in the body and no amount of talking will be as effective as physically moving through it.
Look for an online community of support such as Survivors of Incest Anonymous, Saprea, RAINN, or HAVOCA.
1 Cole, M, Woolger, C., Power, T. G., & Smith, K. D. (1992). Parenting difficulties among adult survivors of father-daughter incest. Child Abuse and Neglect, 16, 239-249.
2 O’Brien, D.W. (1998). A qualitative study of parenting by incest survivors. Dissertation, University of Maryland.
3 (2022) Parenting as a survivor. The Mama Bear Effect blog.
4 Fitzgerald, M. M., Shipman, K. L., Jackson, J. L., McMahon, R. J., & Hanley, H. M. (2005). Perceptions of parenting versus parent-child interactions among incest survivors. Child Abuse and Neglect, 29, 661-681.
5 Brittany, C. L., Lange, E. M., & Condon, F. G. (2020). Parenting among mothers who experienced child sexual assault: a qualitative systematic review. Qualitative Health Research, 30, 146-161.
6 ADZ Law, LLP blog. (2021). The impact of sexual abuse on parenting.
